for the most part, i am to stay in bed, getting up only to pee or shower. i shouldn't even be on the computer, but i wanted to check email and whatnot before i went to grandma's.

i have two books to keep me occupied this weekend. and an apt lease application to fill out and mail since i can't make it over to the apt building now, what with my back all fucked up as it is. i can barely make it from the bed downstairs to the bathroom upstairs without passing out from blinding insane pain.

this makes me think of the people whom i love that are in chronic pain, and it makes me cry. last night i talked to my father on the phone and it sounded like he didn't care that i was in pain at all. in fact, he sounded exasperated that i wanted to talk to him.

my father has been in chronic near-unlivable pain since i was about 15 years old.

his body is twisted and broken and it changed him into someone who can be cruel without a second thought.

i don't know that i think he was being cruel last night so much as...i don't know. i actually have no idea.

but i know i want my mommy, i want to be babied, and i don't want to be alone.

unlike many people, i cannot stand to be alone when i am sick. it is easily one of the most depressing things ever.

last night i broke down and cried in big fat sobs; i cried until i couldn't breathe, until my pillow was wet and my eyes were swollen.

when i woke up i watched citizen kane again and plucked my eyebrows. i just wanted to feel normal for a moment, and for some reason my computer chair is the only chair in the house that doesn't make my back scream out in pain, so i guess that's ok.

now to take a shower and then get back in bed until i leave for g-ma's.