i closed my eyes and it was as if i was in northern california again

i could smell my room, i could smell the fall air coming down off the mountain and flying down our street

i heard the windchimes on the porch

when i heard apt sounds, i imagined it was my brother down in the basement working on his paintings

or my sister in the kitchen, working on her school work

i inhaled deeply, and tears streamed down my cheeks

for the first time since early august i felt safe

and for the first time since i moved here, i felt happy.

then i remembered that rent was due yesterday

and that i have to be at work early tomorrow for a meeting

and i curled into a ball

and cried until my pillow was soaked through.

now i can't sleep, so i am sitting here, cigarette smoked curling around itself, the dead flag blues on repeat while stare out the window at the wet reflection of the factory lights on the top of the building outside.