then came the worrying about money, cursing that ever even came to iowa and sitting at my computer playing Collapse! Deluxe(tm) while chastising myself for not packing more.

and then

my parents called.

panicked by the time they called, it was like a godsend to hear their voices. they soothed me and joked around, my father continually saying "as a parent, i wanted to be supportive but...iowa?" until water was shooting out my nose from laughing.

then came the wandering weird story about his mother which came out of seemingly nowhere, and then more joking, my mother screaming "andrew!" when he got a little blue with his jokes, then laughing right along with us.

then came my dad saying a bunch of stuff that could only be said to make sense if you have known him for 28 years, and then my mom cooing "jessie, don't worry", then my dad telling me how to drug stuart so that he wouldn't freak out on the drive, then my parents telling me stories about what an adorable baby i was, and then kisses and goodnights.

i am so lucky i have the kind of fucked up relationship with my parents that i do. our family is one big mess of complicated alliances and eyes rolling, but i wouldn't trade it for anything.

when i hung up the phone i sat at my desk and thought long and hard about the path my life has taken since i moved out in 98. i have moved 6 times since then. when i leave this weekend it will be number 7.

lucky number 7.

in that time i have changed so much. i don't know what i would have said to the person i was 5 years ago. i think there are a few things i would warn myself against, but for the most part i don't regret anything.

in fact, not even for the most part. i don't regret anything. i don't believe in it. my life is what it is, and i can deal with it. i have no other choice. but that makes it sound as if i feel badly about it.

there are so many ways in which i am lucky.

i am lucky to have my brother and sister, who know me in a way that no one else in the world ever will. with my sister i have shared stolen drinks and cigarettes on the back deck, hiding in the shadows, telling secrets to each other for the first time, becoming bound together with laughter and power struggles. sharing make up and hair stuff, piercing ears and going to punk rock shows. letting her go when i had to, giving her room to figure her own way (she's never needed anyone's help, let alone mine), being proud of her for doing everything she has ever set out to do.

with my brother i have, well, everything. i've said it before and i will say it until the day that i die: he is the one who knows my heart. he has held me when i have been crying so hard that i shake, he has made me laugh harder than anyone ever has in my life. he has shared all my favorite quiet moments, and he has never let me down. he has listened to me whenever i needed him, and he has pledged himself to me in a way that i never knew that i could expect from someone. he has been with me at every turning point in my life and he will be here, again, on saturday, for yet another.

and he has promised me that no matter where i am next new years, he will be by my side.

i am lucky to have my parents who are proud of me no matter what mess i have made of my life, who believe in me to make something of myself that i too can be proud of. leave comprehensive school for the continuation school because you can't face getting out of bed thinking of another day at the comprehensive high school? of course. get your ged and go to community college because you've already started taking classes anyway? sure, who needs a proper high school diploma? move away from home to get a degree in philosophy? nothing would make us prouder. move to iowa just to be with a friend and see how another part of the country lives? if that's what you want, dear, we wish you well. never once have they told me to be something other than i am, and never once have they said that what i am is not enough.

i have niki, who has taught me more about beauty than anyone i have ever met. she is so strong and her heart is so big. she makes me want to be better, stronger. she is an inspiration to me for the person i want to be. she has been with me through some of the worst things that have ever happened to me, always offering a shoulder for support, never saying "i told you so" or thinking that i have done anything wrong. she is the bright smile that lights up everything and the creator of the most beautiful, interesting art i have ever seen. i would dedicate my life to helping her with her work if she asked me to, i believe in it and her so much. i am so blessed to have her by my side.

and i have jason, the yang to my yin, the positive to my negative, the sunrise after my dark night. he is loyal to me in a way that i have never understood but have always been thankful for. when we met all those years ago we fell in perfect friendship love, the most comfortable friendship courtship i have ever had. he is as intense about me as i am about him, something i have rarely seen in a friend. he drove me to the train station every morning for school, even when he didn't have to get up for anything. we walk down grocery store aisles like a married couple, laughing and picking things off the shelf for the other person because we know each other's habits so well. we have spent hours talking about everything that is important to me, to us, across kitchen tables with tea and coffee, on broken couches with dummett texts holding it even, on oakland stairwells with the city sounds all around us. everything that i want, he wants for me as well. and he understands and approves of my changing my mind whenver i want. and he says all the mean things about the people who have hurt me so that i don't have to. and he has made it clear to me that he is so happy and glad to have me come be with him in seattle that i am excited and relieved to go. he has sworn to my brother (who has threatened to break his legs in the event that he does not do this) that he will show me a good time and make sure i laugh and have fun. i've never had as a good a time as when i lived with him and i am so looking forward to being with him again.

so really, all stress and trauma of packing aside, i think that lucky number 7 might be the one. how nice it would be to settle into a place and live there for awhile. to make a space for myself in this world, not having to plan for the next move, not having to worry, again, about how i am going to make a new life work.

after five years, i think it's time. i am tired and i certainly have the support to get my shit together and make things work.

tonight, even though i don't know how, i am going to make a prayer. a prayer for 2003. this is the year i want to knock down walls and make new boundaries and make things work well, not just be held together tenuously by string and scotch tape. i want to be able to look in the mirror before i go to sleep and feel good about my day.