sleep studies are weird and WEIRD!

first of all, you get into this room that's like a hotel room, but there are only like, 7 channels on the tv, and there's no mini bar, and no radio.

then, you change into your jammies, and if you're like me, you become embarrassed because the hoodie you grabbed to sleep in which you could have sworn was clean actually has stains on it from soup you had like, last week, and also, your pj bottoms are a little funkier than you thought.

basically, you are a lil funky.

BUT YOUR BODY IS TOTALLY CLEAN, BECAUSE YOU READ THE BROCHURE (YOUR SLEEP STUDY: WHAT TO EXPECT) AND IT SAID "SHOWER, SHAMPOO ONLY (NO CONDITIONERS OR GELS) AND SHAVE BEFORE YOUR STUDY". so you totally do.

ok, then

your technician comes in and he is this kinda fruity/jocky older dood from texas who calls you babe, like IMMEDIATELY. he is really funny and even though you were depressed like, ALL DAY, you suddenly feel better, which kinda throws your mojo off, because you were counting on the depression to help you sleep at the far too early hour of 9 or something.

and THEN

they stick you all up with electrodes and draw on your face and stick things up your nose, which you find fascinating and you start considering a job in sleep technology, just like that time you got an ultrasound for your kidney stones you started considering a job in ultrasoundology and also the time you had your chest xrayed you considered a job in radiology.

you desperately want to take a picture with your camphone of the electrode-radicity, but they tell you to turn off and put away your phone, AND YOU WANT TO BE A GOOD SUBJECT SO YOU DO WHAT THEY SAY.

texas awesome guy makes a point of saying that he noticed you showered/shampooed, and also that you have lovely hair.

when you mention your grey roots (you've been getting grey hair since you were 14), he says "hey, i think that's hot on a chick".

later, he says if the electrodes come out they will come in and fix them and "if you see someone standing over you with a flashlight, don't be scared that's probably me".

you are a little weirded out, but nothing major. he is nice.

and THEN,

you're supposed to sleep. on the worst pillows imaginable. with the crappiest mattress.

AND NO MUSIC!!!!

oh it's the worst. but also kind of awesome, because you know you're being videotaped and monitored. and studied.

ok, then!

you wake up because you stop breathing.

over and over and over again.

except for that one time you wrote about, you don't ever remember that happening to you in regular sleep life.

you get up at like 1 to take a whiz, and you ask how long you've been down and texas awesome guy says not so long, we have a long way to go, and you want to kill yourself.

you decide to give tv a try, because you're not really sleeping.

you watch shitty tv for an hr, except for the 4 minutes of rerun on conan obrien with james spader. HE IS HOT.

you watch some x-files, even though you aren't interested in the least, nor do you understand all the drama and why mimi rogers is on the show. SHE IS HOT.

you find out there is a live video feed from the chapel.

then you get back into bed and you try meditation techniques to trick yourself into breathing enough to fall asleep.

you know you are kind of sleeping, but not really, because you keep not breathing.

but you can't thread together all your thoughts, there are gaps, so you must have been sleeping.

you start to panic that you won't sleep enough to have enough data to be studied, and that you'll have to come back to do this AGAIN.

you weep silently, inside, at the idea of another night in this hospital.

somehow you fall asleep, even though you don't think you are sleeping, because

THEN

texas awesome guy comes on the intercom and says you're done.

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER IN YOUR LIFE TO BE AWAKENED, EVEN BEFORE 6AM.

oh holy christ are you happy.

you fill out a questionaire, wash your face, change, pack up your junk and leave the hospital, all the while taking pictures with your camphone:

and then you're home! you have mad huggins with your kitty and you decide to go get breakfast.