then after hours of not making decisions to do anything, i got chinese food that only made me mildy ill and drove around my fair town a little bit, but not much, really.

and then, later, when i finally made the decision to lay down and touch myself for an extended period of time, my sister came home and said in her way,

"come out of your room and spend time with meeeeeee"

so, instead of a solitary expedition of pleasure that was sure to last for many many hours, i left my room and spent many hours talking and being funny with my sister. and she really is funny, and interesting, and i am really glad she and i are making an effort to be good to one another.

and she shared some of her hothouse cucumbers with me, and they practically tasted alive, they tasted so very good. i will be sure to get some of my own this weekend, and other healthy things too. i have been craving them lately. fresh things, brightly colored, full of vitamins, things to chop into thin slices, things to wash off and bite into raw.

and then, when she finally went to sleep an hour ago, i went downstairs, with my book of miller to nin and back again, and my flashlight, and my big thick winter coat, and some lemon soda.

and really, reading miller, in any form, excites me so much i don't really know what to do with myself right now. i am feeling the largest urge to write and write and write

however,

i have no one to write to

and frankly, the things i have to say are too raw and too close to write here

so, i believe, for the first time in my life, i will actually start writing in a paper journal. there are things i need to tell someone, someone i have to believe i will someday meet, but i need to say them now.

miller wrote to nin about her journals, how he bent himself over them, he studied them, he loved them, and through them , her even more deeply,

and i imagined how it might be to give oneself to a lover so fully like that. to say, "i will give you my body, and my thoughts, and everything else, but also, i will give you the things i have not given anyone else, i will give you what i thought would remain mine alone".

and maybe my intention of writing in this paper journal so that i might, one day, give myself so fully to another, is in itself somehow killing the pureness of it?

i don't know.

wholly unrelatedly, i was thinking today of niki, and that once i was trying to explain to her my feeling of something like, but not exactly, admiration, of people who were so completely sure of and wrapped up in their faith that they would even go so far as to say that they do not believe that evolution is a fact, that no, the creation of the world and the place we live today happened exactly how it says in the bible. and she was so firm with me that it was not faith that it was something else that i think i didn't explain myself well. i am not sure even that i can explain myself well now, but it is something that has been on my mind, somewhere,off and on since it happened.

because i felt caught up, somehow, in this full feeling of foolishness. and i think what it is that i (almost) admire so much about these people is that they believe so fully, so blindly, that not only are they completely blind to rationality, which i admit, now, i sometimes feel so completely bound by that i am unsure how to deal with the parts of life that are not supposed to be rational, but also happy with it.

they don't seem to be tortured at all in the way that i have seen so many people who find themselves bound by, or concerned with, rationality are. the way that i am. and though i don't understand it, and i find it strange and foreign and not at all the way i would like to be, part of me, if i am to be completely honest, envies them that abandon.

what would it be to be so sure of the view you hold of the world that not only do you scoff at and pity popular opinion, but also RATIONALITY and so much scientific analysis as to be absurd. maybe this is what niki found so offensive? obiously i can't say because #1--i'm not niki and #2--the conversation was so long ago that i hardly remember what was said so much as the tone of the conversation.... i am not sure, but really, the fact that these people are so completely sure they have it right when there is nothing in their outlook nor their method that would hold up to any kind of even casual analysis of evidence...it's completely amazing to me.

and i don't know why i find it sweet and almost...comforting?...that people can live in this way. i don't think i have a choice in the matter, it's simply beyond my temperament to do it. for as long as i remember i have felt a huge break within me between my thinking side and what might be called my spiritual side. this is, i think, a source of more dissatisfaction and uncertainty and unhappiness than i account for. yet i have no way to really bridge that gap, that i can see. at least, so far, i have not even gotten close.

i just know they are both there.

so here i am, sitting at my computer, it's 145am, i have the left overs of my won ton soup, i have my iggy pop and my poorly lit room, and i would really just like someone here to hash it out with. someone who i could just throw things at them, and they could throw things back at me, and maybe somewhere in there we could get closer to it.