crap and fucking shit.

i just got off the phone with my girl niki and like

i can't decide now if i want to move to seattle or just move home.

on the one hand, moving to seattle would be good because it would be new and exciting and cheaper and beautiful and i really don't want my only experience outside of california to have been this nightmare that has been iowa.

on the other hand, i am really worried that i will be real lonely there. of course i have jason there and he is wonderful, more than wonderful. he is fun and positive and would do his best to make sure i never felt lonely or worried or sad.

but what if something happens? what if jason gets a promotion and leaves seattle? i couldn't go with him and i would never ask him to stay for me. what if i hadn't made good friends by that point? i really don't want to move from here to there and end up in the same place.

i would go fucking crazy. i seriously lose my marbles. end up in the padded room. and whatnot.

then there's the bay area. my brother, sister, niki and marcel live there. that's a lot of friends/family very close by. also, there looks like a chance that i would be able to get a place with my brother in the same building that niki and ken live in. if not there, then at least in the same neighborhood. and i looked for jobs and found at least 3 that i am totally qualified for and pays MUCH better than i am paying now, and probably much better than i could get in seattle.

but, it is more expensive to live in the bay area, so that probably all washes out.

the fact is, at this point, and for all intents and purposes, the bay area is my home. how likely is it that i will move to seattle, find a new home there and live for a long time without the thought "this is where i'll be until i find a way to get back to the bay area again"?

at the same time, what if i do move to seattle and find it wonderful and want to live there forever?

i don't want to have not gone there and never know because i am a pussy.

but it's not just my pussism that is making me consider the bay area. that's where my brother is. niki. my sister. marcel.

it's as close to a home as i have had since i left my parents house.

i just don't know.

crap.

and fucking shit.