Ludwig Wittgenstein

--The Blue Book

i spent an hour or two laying on my bed in complete quiet. there had been an electrical outage and so there was no fan, no fridge, no music, no anything.

i couldn't even hear anything happening on the street, it was as if the whole world stopped.

at least the world in my room.

i haven't wanted to be around people for days now, but i make efforts to maintain my connections.

i spend hours by myself, though, and i feel nothing. i think i am in some kind of coma, or maybe more like a hibernation. i am sensitive and i need time by myself often to recuperate from the force of the outside world so that i can maintain anything approaching a calm, even keel.

that was one thing i had in iowa, plenty of alone time. mostly the even keel i kept was a nice debilitating depressing one, but it was even at least.

i am going to clean my room again tomorrow. i know this is something that normal adults do without any kind of fanfare, i am just trying to force myself, through public declaration, to become more normal.

i am going to coast, i think, until my brother comes to visit in two weeks.

then, at least for three weeks, things will be like i am used to.