hello friend. this is just a quick note to let you know that your Kitchen in a Box (tm) sold as part of your University Funk (tm) line at all major Target (tm) locations and Target.com (tm) completely and totally licks balls. and not in that totally awesome "let's see how far he can shoot way" way, but in that totally grody "oh my god, i hope i don't get oral herpes from licking this dood's nasty nuts" way.

don't get me wrong, i think you are wicked cute, and if i were a gay boy i would totally kneel in front of you and give you a handjob until i was swimming in your sea of life, you are that wicked cute.

but let me just run down a couple of things for you, todd oldham. first of all, the saucepan that you included as part of Kitchen in a Box (tm) is so weak and thin that the heat from my electric burner warped it. then, while i was cooking food in it, all the "this looks like non-stick lining but really is just black paint" started to scratch off. i tried to use the plastic spatula which you included in Crap That Looks Cute but Doesn't Actually Work in a Box (tm pending), but it melted to the sauce pan.

thank you todd oldham!

second, the can opener included in CTLCbDAWiaB (tmp) does not actually work. only after cursing at it repeatedly will it make a dent in the can, and then maybe 45 minutes later you will have enough perforations so as to be able to pound the top down with a hammer and then get the foodstuffs out. it took me over an hour and a half to make a fruit salad this afternoon, todd oldham! an hour and a half!

AND THEN! while eating the fruit salad, the spoon from your box-full-of-such-shitty-kitchen-junk-that-i-am-not-even-bothering-to-think-of-a-new-clever-name-to-trademark actually SLICED OPEN THE EDGE OF MY MOUTH. that's right, a spoon, the least deadly of all kitchen utensils, wounded me. how about putting that sharp edge on your can opener, mr smarty ny designer? huh?

lastly, as you can tell, after so much frustration from dealing with your poorly made line, i really needed a drink.

well, todd oldham, i would really like to strap on a dildo with a grenade launcher and pump you in the ass until the grenade launcher engages and blows a hole through your stomach because the wine cork decorker thingie sucks as much as everything else in this damned box of wasted $50. i nearly broke my wrist twisting and twisting and twisting and twisting and twisting and twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twistingand twisting until it actually broke that damned cork's cherry and let loose the sweet flow of alcohol.

i have a lot of stress in my life, todd oldham. i really don't need shit from you and your shitty products.

being a person who believes in telling people what they are doing right as well as what they are doing wrong, i will give you many kudos on your very sharp knives.

way to go, buttboy.

with much love and precious looking kittens,

jessica