at least that's how things feel.

two times today, TWICE, i have talked about how much i don't like it here.

the first time i almost started crying

the second time i acted like a total dick to keep from crying.

and now i am too chicken to apologize in person, though i did write a really nice (i hope) email to apologize.

< unrelated>the weekend flew by even though i did absolutely nothing.

the dishes i cleaned on sunday were my victory.

i talked to my brother, my heart, for an hour on saturday and that was the highlight of my weekend.

tonight, i will buy more cigarettes, eat left over pizza for dinner, and listen to music until it's time to go to bed.

lather rinse repeat, and shit.

i am going to see how far down i can eat my food, how empty i can make the house.

i have to buy new kitty litter but it's heavy.

i have been having dreams about getting extreme piercings and of having relationship problems. i think it's the mix of reading bme and savage love archives all weekend.

the itch to get pierced is coming back, though, as well as the itch to get inked.

it's one of those days where i feel as if all my molecules will unbind and i will disappear.< /unrelated>

(i think i am finally starting to understand that kind of alone that turned him into the person who couldn't talk and whose eyes got glassy because he was so twisted up and scared inside, and frustrated and terrified to live. and he had big dreams of kicking down doors and throwing paint on the wall and of being happy. and his boots were rough, but his mouth was soft.

but being this kind of alone, about four tiers up and out of hell from his kind of alone, it is like the straightjackets i was looking at on the medical supply site this weekend. (i want a shiny display case, with the jacket and the binds, i want to look at the physical manifestation of how constricted and trapped i feel inside.) the more alone you feel, the less you feel like making the effort to see anyone, learning to just be alone rather than waiting for the time where they leave and you just are alone.

and there's a lot of time now where i just want to disappear, and become as invisible as i feel.)

< unrelated> i miss you ohj, and i think about you often.< /unrelated>