i slept for most of the day because cramps have taken hold of my uterus, like whoah.

i woke up at like noon, but soon was back in bed, hugging my pillow, going "ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow" in my head until i passed out.

finally rolled out of bed 'round 430 or 500. put on a sweater and went out in the clothes i slept in all day. bought some vanilla cigarettes (found a shop where they cost as much as nasty tasting camel lights, so fuck you camel lights, i'm back to my nillas) and drove through the city listening to green mind.

went to whole foods and got vegetables, chicken, chicken broth and other odds and ends. went to qfc and got a pan to bake the chicken in, came home and went to work.

i cleaned my kitchen and talked to my mom on the phone, i listened to the cocteau twins and thought about how nice it is to cook for myself.

now, i have the biggest pot of chicken soup in the history of mankind simmering on my stove. this time matzo balls AND egg noodles, 6 carrots, green onion chopped up real nice, some celery and pepper. a small bird in the oven. asparagus to roast during the last 10 min of chicken cooking and a nice glass of red wine while i wait.

some choco mousse for desert and a dvd to watch when i am done with my meal.

listening to a mix my brother's friend mike did, sickest shit you've heard in a long time if you're a fan of downtempo.

left overs for days and candles burning bright.

this has been the best holiday season i can remember, and i spent most of it alone. but this time, i am not sad about it. i feel loved and i love back. i like my time to myself, i find out things i can do that i never knew i could do before all the time.

last night i went outside at 430 am and there was snow on my car.

tonight i believe in heaven and good things to come. i believe in trusting myself and the confidence i have built over the last year.

january 5th is a new holiday for me, and so is the 8th.

if you would like to celebrate with me, let me know.