alone.

it's the sadness of having my brother leave, i think, i didn't realize how far down i fell in a week.

i haven't cooked a meal for myself since he left, tonight was the first day i wiped off the counters in the kitchen.

my room is a mess again, and i feel like i can't breathe.

part of me feels like i wrecked my life when i left california, so much pain now, so much loneliness i have endured since i left, big dark scars in my heart.

3 weeks since may 2002. that's it.

that's all the home i've had.

maybe it's a flaw in me that i haven't been able to pull myself together while away from home. maybe it's some fundamental weakness that my family (both those of blood and those of faith) means so much to me, that they are so integral to my well-being.

if so, so be it.

all i want is home.

i just need to hang on until i am back with them, and then i'll be able to breathe.

i know that going home won't solve all my problems, and i know that going home is not going to fix whatever my issues are.

but it'd sure be something.

about the only thing that the loneliness is good for is crying.