i cannot wait to leave my position as office bitch and do something else. i know i could put in my two weeks right now, and though i am all about being -free- lately, i am also all about being prudent. i haven't even begun to look for another job, i figure the best time to do that is next year when i leave. i mean, a few months before i leave, just check stuff out.

unless spain really starts to pan out, in which case i need to get on that international job train toot sweet!

the last two days or so...hmmm..maybe less...well, whatever, since i began the Big Think, i have been so much happier than i have in a long long long long long long time.

i feel lighter...like i am waking up. i am realizing now that i have spent my entire life sleepwalking, walking around in a kind of fog of retarded thinking. thinking and responses that go back to when i was a little kid. and when i was a little kid, for the most part, shit was fucked up, just like when everyone else was a little kid. and though i have a hard time swallowing all that inner child jazz, i realize i have been working with models that we created a very very long time ago. they simply don't have to apply anymore. not if i don't want them to. and i am not sure how many of them really did, anyway. well, let me rephrase: i am not sure how many of the models were actual and how many were a sort of filter through which i viewed and reacted to situations.

and, there is a big big part of me that has decided: fuck that.

so, yes, things are changing, and i am not sure why, and to tell you the truth, i could not care less why. i just have to say, thank sweet merciful jehova they are, because i am fucking done with that shit.

i mean, i am sure i will get discouraged and i will be sad, and who knows what. i mean, i could feel completely shit tomorrow and write yet another depressing entry to purge myself of the junk.

but let me tell you, i have never felt the way i have yesterday and today. ever.

i have never felt like the one possible person.

and, i am so excited to finally be feeling something positive after so so so long.

last night, niki and i drove down through the mountains on one of the windingest and narrowest roads ever. it was like being at home driving through moorpark down into filmore, but even darker, with even more trees, even more alone.

and we talked of Big Things the whole time, the kind of talk that makes me love her so much. we never plan these talks, obviously, but when they happen, it makes me happy to be alive.

it's the connection that i crave. it makes me feel real.

also, on our drive through the mountains, i saw a lion. with a mane and everything. just kickin' it on the side of the road. i was a little scared, but it didn't really move as we drove by. and niki didn't see it. and it looked a lot like a big log. but, i am pretty sure it was a lion, and that's the story i am sticking with.

alright, back to the excel sheet.

and just so you know, "bill and ben" by catherine wheel is a near perfect song.

[nod]