and i could almost convince myself i was, except for this life is cruel and i cannot wear a beanie to work.

and in that time, i slept.

i had hard, dark cold dreams. which means i must have fallen deep asleep to dream at all.

but i dreamt i was taking my own blood, in long elegant tubes, thin glassed re�cep�ta�cles that were about twice as long as normal. and i was laying them out on a scratched up stainless steel table. i had my hand wrapped around a yellow ball, and i was squeezing it in long slow beats, and filling up these tubes.

when one was finished, , i would unhook it from my syringe like i've seen nurses do it a million zillion times, and then i would attach another one

but there was something different about the procedure: usually, when the nurses unhook the tube, nothing comes out of the naked syringe. when i would unhook them, however, my blood would start to come out of the syringe, it wouldnt' shoot out or anything, but it would come out in a steady stream while i went to grab for an empty tube. it slid down my arm in perfect red lines, like the lines on a map. it pooled under the yellow ball, it dripped down onto my leg, there was a small pondlike stain of it on the floor beneath my dangling foot.

i filled up about 8 tubes, i think, i could feel every part of it, and with each tube i felt less and less there, dizzier and lighter, like i was going to float away.

i remember after i laid the last tube on the table, i was so tired i just watched the blood come out of the syringe, bleeding maps and legends all over my arm, my leg, the floor.

when i laid my head down on the steel table, i opened my eyes to my cube.