and no amount of melatonin is going to help me sleep, it seems.

i had to take the nice sheets and quilt off of my bed for reasons i don't want to discuss now, because i will just get upset and depressed.

because everything is upsetting me and depressing me these days.

but i've been sleeping with my oldest blanket instead. you know the one? the one that's blue with the assy ugly paisley on one side, and the less assy less ugly stripes on the other?

the one with the cigarette holes in it? from when i was a teenager and my parents let me smoke in my room (wtf? what the hell kind of hippie household did i grow up in? actually, i think it was more that my parents were too wrapped up in their fucked up lives to have the energy to try to discipline me and since i wasn't drinking (that they knew of) or doing other things (that they knew of), they weren't going to get on me. or something)?

the one that's softer than anything and smells like clean laundry and sleep?

that's the one.

i have been sleeping in it, and it's more comfortable than the silk quilt. it almost makes me happy.

sort of.

but i have been curling up really small in the middle of my bed, and waking up sideways, or sometimes half-way off.

and i am not remembering my dreams.

i am frightened that i am somehow slipping back into my covered in gauze feeling, where everything looks like my eyes are coated in vaseline.

i haven't hung out with anyone in a while. it seems like so much effort. and the one friend i have here sometimes makes me feel so badly.

i just don't have the energy for it.

i sit with my head in my hands a lot.

maybe i need to cry.