i am running reports and printing things and loading information and

currently, on hold with the help desk, complete with new age music with tablas.

everything is running by at a blur, and agitated by the latte i got this morning. my throat hurts something terrible and i wanted something hot for it. why i didn't ask for tea or a hot chocolate, i don't know. i can only blame this on my being a moron.

i have the sinking feeling they are going to ask me to stay late tonight. and there is no fucking way my fragile constitution can handle holding up my work face for an extended period of time.

and it's bad fucking news when i don't. anytime i stop being a smiling automaton i get myself in trouble. i am pretty sure that when i say anything real they think i am speaking in tongues.

it's a very lonely feeling.

11am. it feels like 3pm already. this is disconcerting.

my stomach is burning from the latte.

i am listening to jeff buckley. this is probably a mistake. but i do love this man. not in the freaky way that many jeff buckley fans do. holy crap they are some scary people. i used to be on the jeff buckley mailing list a few years ago and the freak-out-episode-factor was so high i had to unsub. arguments about the stupidest things. and frightening declarations of love and obsession. tons and tons of posts a day about virtually nothing. they are a crazed bunch. i'm fairly sure that if he hadn't drowned eventually one of his obsessed fans would have blown his head off in a murder-suicide fit of passion.

it's a shame, really. and i don't understand it.

i think that's why i am not on any mailing lists at all now. oh, wait, that's a lie. i am on the unwound mailing list. but people barely post on there and when they do it's informational. i love you, unwound fans.

in fact, i believe i will take off grace and put on fake train. not only will it be better for me because i will be able to feel angry rather than lonely and longing, but it will almost certainly keep people out of my cubicle.

aahhhh....this song that song love song hate song, you're so bored with my life your life our life you're so bored...i don't feel strange, i don't feel anything...[sweet sweet distortion and screaming]

that is so much better.