the light is soft in here.

and my eyes are wet.

it's not because of sadness.

only emptyness.

but it doesn't even feel bad.

it's just the realization that i am here, alone, empty.

and not sure there is anyone in the world that i want to have around me right now.

people say we are all connected.

and i have almost felt that, sometimes.

but it's so fucking fleeting.

why is it so fleeting?

i can't blame this on being here.

i don't blame it on being abandoned here in iowa, waiting my time, stressing and planning to get out.

i have felt this way my whole life, for as long as i remember.

if someone reached out to me right now, i know i would recoil.

and what does that mean?

a girl i love very much once said, if you've ever worried that you were going crazy, if you ever felt youself slipping away from everyone and everything, barely hanging on, then you know

it's nothing to romanticize, and it's nothing good.

it's just cold, frightening and alone.

i love that girl.

maybe i wouldn't recoil from her.