does it even matter anymore? jason doesn't ever even think about me.

have you ever heard "dandelion" by boards of canada? it makes every inch of my skin crawl with excitement.

i cannot explain this.

i wish someone would understand.

it's 415am, and i am not asleep.

my room is too hot, like to many faces pressed against mine, too close, unwelcome.

each moment that passes by is another that i feel more alone.

i do not feel sad about this. it's some kind of trial that i have undertaken, a kind of burning i want my skin to go through.

i realized today that there are whole stretches of days that i don't think about the fact that lauren abandoned me completely in iowa.

i do not think about the fact that there is something so disgusting in me that she couldn't even tell me the reason that she stopped talking to me and left me alone and terrified and so unconsolably lonely in iowa.

something so unconscienable (is this a word?) that she couldn't overcome her overwhelming pussiness to tell me that she didn't want me there in the first place.

most times i believe that she is simply shithouse crazy, that she is somehow overwhelingly fucked up and she couldn't tell me that she didn't want me to be there due to some sort of horrible dishonest defect of her own.

but in the late middle of the night, i blame myself, unfailingly, for being so dispicable a human being that she couldn't pallet me anymore.

i hate her, i think. and this is a tragedy in my life.

how could i trust someone so implicitly with my life and not see that she would let me down?

am i completely fucking idiotic?

it makes me want to never trust another person ever.

and the thought of this terrifies me.

because i know it is damning myself to some sort of completely alone hell.

i fucking hate the fact that i need other people to live.

i know i could lock myself away and never let anyone in again.

but i also know what this means.

i cannot let my overwhelming sadness and the fact that i have not met a single person who understands me since i left california make me shut myself away.

i need to work as hard as i can to get back home.

and then. fucking maybe. i can open myself up.