and that my weeks are flying by with no real marker, nothing all that anything to discriminate one day from the next, except for maybe what i am listening to.

i have taken to looking back over my entries, trying to find a pattern, or maybe something interesting.

but mostly i feel sheepish, and the overwhelming sensation that i am, without question, the biggest dork i know.

i have spent all morning looking at online auctions for cameras, since my brother has probably busted mine. the only thing that really bothers me about this is that my father gave me that camera. he gave it to me when i was 8. a fully manual camera. to an 8 year old. yeah dad, smooth.

(my father was full of that kind of junk. for instance, when i was 8 he also took to taking home Time magazine each week and telling me: "you can read any article you want, but first you have to read the cover story and explain to me what it is saying." yeah dad, i'll get right on that. actually, i did read it each week for a few months, but he stopped having time after that, what with his practice and all.

also, i don't think my father EVER told me what a word meant. everytime i asked he replied "look it up", which, after a while, made me question if he knew the meanings at all. if i didn't think that he was the smartest man in the entire universe (this was prior to my love affair with albert einstein), i would have been sure of it. then my mom taught me to start reading with a dictionary next to me and i stopped having to ask all the time. i wish i still had that old dictionary, it was x'd up diane cort style.

and my brother and sister and i were fined for mistakes in grammar. most mistakes cost between $.15-$.50, USD. i think i cleared my grammar debt by the time i was 11, but i think my brother might still owe like $2. you know, we weren't fined if we said a curse word [my parents consensus on "fuck" and her friends was that we could say whatever we wanted outside the house because they didn't have any control on that, but in to leave it at the door, as it were.], but if our pronoun didn't match our verb or whatever it cost us a good $.25. i grew up in a weird house.)

i can still remember the first time i tried to use the camera on my own. it was on mrs. kemp's 3rd grade class trip to the LA zoo. i got pictures of the flamingos and pictures of the poo poo throwing monkeys, but then we were watching some animal show and i ran out of film and i tried to change the film and ruined the entire roll because NO ONE TOLD ME I HAD TO REWIND IT FIRST. i was so pissed i threw the film in the trash can and didn't really look at the camera again until last year.

i think it's the only grudge i have ever held.

so, i am thinking of buying a vintage camera online, maybe one from russia, those are the coolest ones i have found yet. such as the below:

the thing that scares me about this is that i could easily start collecting the fucking things. i don't even have room in my room for all my books, let alone to showcase vintage cameras. and i rarely have visitors, so i wouldn't even be able to show them off. but i would still find it very satisfying to just sit and look at them, and figure out how they work and rub them all over my body...um, i mean!

and if they were usable i could probably take some fanfuckingtastic pictures and use them to make art books or something. mmmmm, art books. all that paint and photos and vellum and text and poems written with riso art pens and paper cut perfectly with exacto knives and media spread everywhere across the floor and postcards and glue and rubber cement and and and. oh man, i miss that.i haven't made one of those since last year. that was probably the most fun i have ever had ever, making those things. i miss that. i miss being inspired to that.

i can feel this desire for a new camera growing stronger by the second. please, somebody talk some sense into me. tell me to just take my broken camera to get fixed. or at least see how much it would be to get fixed before i start buying cameras hither and tither.

but look at this one!!

do you see what i'm talking about here?

anyone?