i am making a big huge pot of rice, because what i really want is chinese food, but i cannot justify spending $20 on lunch/dinner when my fridge is nearly bare and i just feel too crappy to go shopping, but when i do go shopping i have to be mad frugal until i next get paid, even though i just got paid a week ago.

i mean, i have food in the house, i should not be an asshole and order something really expensive, that i cannot afford, merely because i don't feel like making any food.

so i am using the rice cooker, which is pretty much making the food for me and i can stop being a whiny puss about it.

if you cannot tell, i have been reading a lot of my dear snailandsky, and she makes me think hard about what i have, and makes me want to stop being such a whiny puss about what i don't.

because i am really, retardedly, lucky.

so lucky in fact, because i have a job, and this job has stuff called PTO, or paid time off to you and me, which means if i don't feel well enough to go to work, i can stay home and sleep til 130 in the afternoon and i STILL GET PAID.

which is really pretty lucky of me to have.

so now i am sitting here eating my big mug full of rice, which some soy, and some salt and pepper and it feels really good because it's so hot i can feel it travelling down my throat.

at least part of the way.

and also, i am really thankful that somethings that used to frighten me, i find them beautiful now.

this world is so totally amazing sometimes.

i mean, it's brutal and tragic and would like to break you, if you let it.

but it's also all these other things, quiet things, beautiful things, frightening and exciting things...

i wonder if even one thing changed in our history, would it have all come out the same.