i had been feeling real lonely so i called her and god damn it was such a good thing to hear her voice.

but at the same time, my heart broke into a thousand million pieces.

i really for reals have moved away from my friends at home and now i am here.

when i woke up from my nap, i was dizzy and for a moment i couldn't remember where i was or what was going on. all i could hear was thunder breaking the sky apart and the rain hitting the ground around my windows.

and i felt so so so lonely.

i couldn't figure it out at first.

it wasn't like this weekend i feel like i made deep connections to anyone, though i had a real great time and i hope i get to see those kids again.

i mean, how could i? it was a night, and besides, i didn't expect that anyhow. i just hoped they all would be nice to me and i wanted to do something i had never done before, so in that sense it was a complete success.

but i think the whole experience, seeing people who obviously have a lot of history and have a lot of genuine care for each other, laughing and partying and everything...

well, it just made me miss my friends like crazy. and it really reminded me of how far my friends are, the fact that though i have lu here and of course it's awesome being around her and jamie and we have fun...it's just different.

i need to paint, i need to go out, i need to have some sort of stimulation.

i am sick of tv i am sick of this computer i am sick of writing, i am exhausted by not having my own space and being a guest.

and that makes it real hard to do the things i need to do to have my own space.

i have to stay strong, get my shit together. do something.

just fucking do...something.

thing is, i don't know what i've done.

i mean, seriously, what the hell have i done?

i'm so ridiculously lost.

what have i done?