I am not particularly freaking out yet, and the headacheyness has been minimal, probably due more to the fact that i am at work and people here are annoying as fuck than anything else. 1st Boss has put in her resignation and is going on to bigger and better things. 2nd Boss is very stressed out and acting like a total fucking scab to compensate. 3rd Boss is sweet as pie and bought me lunch yesterday, which was really great, because i have been broke as anything. she even got me cranberry juice even though i forgot to ask. 4th Boss/Co-Worker is a fuck knob who barks orders at me, does not ask me if i am in the middle of something as he throws other projects my way and does not tell me the importance of tasks he requests, making me look like an asshole because i did not jump on it toot sweet rather than complete the 47 other things i was doing when he threw it at me. you know, the usual crap.

so, the last few days have been insane and more than not having enough time when here to update, i am too exhausted when i get home to do anything other than kind of stare off into space.

i try not to let this get me down. i am trying to keep my eyes on the prize, knowing that if i just get through the next 6 or 7 months, things are bound to turn around. it's just a miserable feeling to feel as if you are just biding time, waiting for the next thing to happen. i could not tell you how little i care about the work i do here, other than wanting to do a good enough job so that i can keep my job. well, that's not true, let me rephrase. even though i hate my job, i still try to be a good worker, for the sake of being a good worker, since i think that has to do with building and maintaining character. but do i care about my bosses' sales? hellll no. do i care about all the politicing that goes on? nope. do i care about the license i will be taking a test for next week? not at all. but i do these things to keep my job and hopefully save up some money so i can move away from here.

i know that this will not make me wildly happy, because my problems are internal. i could be anywhere and i'd be mad fucked up, yo.

however. i think a change in scenery would be wonderful.

also, it's about 4 hours later from when i started this entry, because of work and such. i am starving. it's like 2 pm. i can't decide whether to go eat somewhere or just stick it out for the next 2.5 hours and then get something when i get home. i need to go shopping for food, my brother's bday celebration in the city is tomorrow and i am broke, even though i was paid today.

what the fuck.

i am really looking forward to my trip for thanksgiving. i need to get my jacket drycleaned. i meant to do that this week, because i know tomorrow we will be out in the city and it's autumn, so it will be chilly and WhatNot. it smells of strange cat funk, and i am worried stuart humped it in the night, because it smelled fine last weekend, but then i put it on the other morning and i made the "what the fuck is that smell?" face. no es bueno. speaking of stuart, i have a nice big scar on the outside of my left forearm because i had to stop Kitty Brawl 2001, between stuart and princess kitty willie the second night stuart was here. i was thinking of getting a tattoo to cover it up, but it's real near my wrist, so that's right out.

but, i would like to get a tattoo on my left forearm. anyone have any ideas? i am flat stumped. i know it's supposed to be something that means something to me and all that junk, but what's important to me is not visually represented, generally. not, at least, in any non-arbitrary fashion. i thought about putting together some sort of picture to depict what is important to me, but i think that would be contrived; it would just feel wrong, it wouldn't feel genuine. so, i am just trying to think of a design that i won't hate in year.

my tummy's growling, and i think it'd be a miracle if i got the innocence mission cd out of my player. this one is in and through my skin far more than glow. and i just reread that page and god damn it if i am not a broken record.

because, minus the stress of this week, that's exactly how i feel.

except, on my way to work this morning (and, come to think of it, on the way home last night, too), everything was so beautiful...and i couldn't tell if it was so lovely because i was outside of it, observing like watching the movie of someone's life, or if it was because i was right in the middle of it, somehow reaching out my senses to touch everything. tracing the lines of what i was seeing, feeling the softness where things blur. i could taste the coolness of the air this morning, and it was like everything was november. and the quality of sunlight now is wholly unbelievable to me, that it is so noticably different from this summer, so quickly. it's like looking at things through squinting eyelashes, everything shines. everything is like putting your fingers into warm bathwater, and i can smell good things, like from when i was a kid. but there are also these other smells, and things missing and i know i can't go back, but it's been fucking with my head the way things are always getting turned around.

it's happiness and longing, and sighing into the wind because i know that smell, and then it's wonder at the new horizon and new silent solitary moments in new walls. missing noises and my mother's hand stroking my hair, and how she clucks and calls me "jessie" and is still the only one who is allowed to call me that, merely because i can't get her to stop. her smell and the softness of her palms. thanksgiving morning, and sharing smokes on the front step, laughing about my father.

today, everything about autumn makes me think of her.

i'm making a phonecall.