to my brother on buying alcohol for all the attendees:

"they are supposed to be there to celebrate me, i am not supposed to be there to intoxicate them."

(to my brother after seeing his "ease up princess" loook on his face and being forced to reflect on how dicked that was):

"ok, yeah, we'll get a bunch of beer"

to an email correspondent on the activities:

"people better fucking dance"

to the Co-Worker on whether i am going to "blow it out", because he says i always hold out on him as to whether and what i drink when i go out:

"oh hell yeah, i'm getting waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasted"

so tomorrow is the big day, and tomorrow night is the big night. i know! my birthday!

nasty!

i don't know why it even matters. there are people in the world who don't even acknowledge birthdays. like french people, and jehova's witnesses. i have tried to say my new age to myself over and over the last few days, trying to figure out if it feels right, but since i wasn't saying "i'm 19", it felt entirely wrong.

and it has for awhile.

hi, i'm mature.

things that other people have done by my age, which i have not, and i am unsure as to whether or not this should bother me:

-figured out what they want to do with their life

-gotten their phd

-started a career

-bought a house

-gotten married

-had children

-been in love, for reals

-had an entire career, like schiele or um, jim morrison or something

-written a book on metaphysics that is still being used today, like berkeley, and i think he wrote that by the time he was 24--gross!

-made a kick-ass movie, like the dude who did donnie darko

-gone to another country

-learned to play the drums.

ok, that ends my list. i guess i don't really care that i haven't achieved any of those things yet. i don't think i do?

i don't know. i haven't really done much of worth, but that doesn't mean i am down on myself. i am still figuring shit out, and too bad i'm not on schedule. whatever that means.

the picture for april on my elvis calendar is super great. it's elvis in nyc in 1956 and he is holding the hand of this nerdy looking fan, and smiling at her intently. i'm pretty sure she is wetting her panties. the things i like best about it is the way his smile looks crooked and i really like his thumb.

i get all hung up on hands and feet and wrists and collarbones and things like that.

and good hair.

and full lips.

anyway,

i haven't painted for three days, and i forgot to take my medicine last night, so i feel like i am losing hold of things. tonight, i will paint, and i will remember to take my medicine before bed.

last night my brother read my entry from yesterday, out loud, and then started randomly going through my 600+ entries and read random ones aloud. he read this one and that one and this one and then he read this one and we got a little sad, and went downstairs to hang out and just be around each other.

ok, cool. my bosses just came in, and no one said happy birthday to me yet.