this end of the most horrible year of my life

for myself and for a lot of people i know

it's making me morbid

it's that

and it's the rain

and the music i am listening to

and the remembering of everything

and i've been crying all day (when alone)

and pulling myself through the eyes of needles

and i keep having horrible images through my head

and i wish i were strong enough

to let someone take care of me

because for all of my crying and my longing

if i was going to be honest

i mean really really honest

i have to admit i am too much of a coward to let someone close enough to count on

i used to be that brave

but not anymore.

and that makes me ashamed

and the reason makes me more ashamed.

and the loneliness of it

the fucking loneliness of it

is making me hate myself.

i don't make resolutions

but i do have hopes