first off, i am going to send off a package that has been in the sending for months. this is, by far, the most exciting mail transaction i will be a part of all year. in fact, not since i used to wait everyday for a sugar smacks sweet phone call after sending off a love letter to my first girlfriend have i been so anxious and happy about mail.

last year's foray into mass unrequited love letter sending notwithstanding.

knowing that in about a week (are 3 day airmail operations back up yet?), my girl (nb--she is not my girl as i hope you well know from reading her diary. she has, afterall, posted a picture of her big hunk of man kissing her ("i will hump you forever, Jamie").) will finally have the cds and super-secret-gift of love in her hot little hands is making me giddy. why i have waited so long, i can only attribute to that which is part of my Second Off.

second off, i am in the midst of making Big Decisions. as i told someone last night, i have been thinking about Everything. i think this is why many of my latest entries have been one offs, small things, boring and uninspired. though i was reassured by a friend's kindness that, at least for her, it's not read that way, that's how it's felt when i've looked at it once written.

now i realize that things have been turning in me for some time now. i have been walking through fog with gauzed wrapped eyes and heart. but slowly, but not as slowly as before, before moving like molasses on a cold october day, i am starting to come out of it. there is something that has been accelerated in me. it has something to do with strength and something to do with believing in myself and i am not sure what all yet, but something was broken loose last week, i think, and though i can't say i necessarily feel some sort of urgency about my life, i can honestly say that something in my focus has shifted. things that i have longed for yet heretofore believed to be out of reach, i am starting to see more clearly for what they actually are.

i have also begun to really evaluate what kind of expectations i have for myself and what i can do. perhaps it's a function of finally growing the fuck up and trying desperately to stop being such a whiny little bitch, but finally i am realizing that art and thought that i admire, that i really think is beautiful, takes work and effort and practice. i think as a child the only kind of magic i ever really believed in was the ability of others to create something of staggering beauty seemingly out nowhere with little to no effort. this belief in "magic" has stuck with me until probably a few days ago when i was looking at some of her work. i have known her for many years now, and i remember what her work looked like even just 2 years ago: completely beautiful. but now, even just the detail of her figure drawings, the sketches...i can see where her hand is more trained, where the understanding of what a line set in the right place can do to a figure...well, it's just breathtaking. her talent is something innate for sure, but what she has been able to do with it is not so much due to some sort of gift from the universe than it is due to her will. through practice she is willing herself to be the artist she wants to be, and this has been a revelation to me.

her encouragement of my writing has come down to this: practice, jessica, and things will fall into place. write everyday, whether you feel like it or not. work at it.

and it's not that i have ever had a problem with working--i can work quite hard and long and with usually very good results. the key is, i have to be working on something i really care about. knowing this, now, i can begin to make projects for myself and follow them through.

i find this fact incredibly exciting. and freeing. and, free, terrifying.

but what a fantastic fear, the fear of your own ability.

while Thinking about Everything last night, i realized that for the first time in my life, i am completely free to do whatever i want. finally. i am not working towards a degree, i am not working towards anything. there is nothing to keep me grounded here other than my brother and sister and niki and jason.

all good reasons to be here, for sure.

but are they good enough to stay here? though i have no doubt of their love for me, i am certain that all of them would encourage me to leave and go out into The World, if i thought it would make me happy.

and at this point, i think that is precisely what i need to do. in the months leading up to may 19th 2002, the day my lease and all legal obligations on me to stay put ends, i will be planning and saving for my leaving california. and i have 3 possible next residences. one north, one east and one really really far east past the ocean.

so many things to work out, so many possibilities.

i have so little that is certain.

except for perhaps this: i am pretty much interested in doing something fun and making something beautiful. only.

other than that, i don't care:

i am taking the flying leap, and i couldn't give a flying fuck.

[nod]