i think i've decided to stay in seattle until the end of the summer. i just can't leave yet. i have never loved a place so much. i have never loved myself so much in a place so much.

and don't think this decision was made lightly. it breaks my heart to be away from jon and niki and abigail. it really does. i know full well that i am deciding not to return to my support system right now.

i know full well that there are people who i love more than anything else in this world in the bay. i know this.

but...i can't ignore the fact that every day that i am in my city i mourn the fact that i was thinking about leaving it. i can't ignore the fact that here, i am more in love with myself than any other place that i have ever been. i can't ignore the fact that even though it is sometimes lonely, the city itself has proven itself to be my friend.

that i walk down the streets and feel safe.

that i see other people walking down her streets and feel a beautiful kind of honest joy at their being there.

that i feel at home here. i have a job i don't hate and actually pays me really decently. that i can get my own studio with hardwood floors and a view and stay on capital hill and be really happy.

that i can make a life here that i like for a bit longer.

uwajimaya. the space needle. the view of the olympics and mt rainier. the man at the video store last night with the handlebar moustache so friendly and so willing to share his space with me and tell me which movies he loved and why.

the girl at the qfc who is always so kind.

the girl at wamu who was honest and gentle when talking about a savings account.

the microbrews and people walking down the street, stoned and smiling.

the friends who i have yet to make.

the cold and wet and tulips that i know i will see in spring.

the summer with 16 hrs of sun and people out everynight just to enjoy the outside warmth and community.

the everything of seattle. i just love it here, and i am not willing to give it up yet.

and oh my god.

how kind all the players were in the decision.

the idea from vika to rent a studio for six months, how beautiful she is when she is in love.

my mother just overjoyed to hear that i am happy, for once.

my brother telling me he will be in oakland whenever i want him.

niki telling me that it sucks because she misses me as much as i miss her, but telling me to trust my instincts and telling me to stay where i feel at home.

the fact that she is even considering for a moment to live here with me at the end of summer.

i am so so so lucky to have people in my life who love me so much.

i am so so so lucky to be here, loving myself more than ever before, one amazing city with too much rain and dark in winter and barbeques in the summer to make me stay.

the cherry blossoms everywhere in spring.

the chance to actually spend time with my wifey, who i am so lucky to have met and am so lucky to have her love me back, with secrets and baking and understanding everything that i tell her.

the wet eyelashes of everyone i see.

the everything of it.

i am just so lucky.

and i love being here.

so i am going to stay for awhile longer, and see where it takes me.

so i am choosing seattle for now.