that was all non-chemically induced optimism.

i'd like to give a shout out to the doctor at the clinic last night. thank you so very much.

here's to hoping for no surgery, eh?

it'd be really really hard for me to have surgery while i'm out here, since i have no one to help me. not even a ride home from the hospital.

my mom said she would fly out, but still. i'd rather not go through all that here.

then again, i'd rather not go through this when i have no insurance, too.

let's hope that the "conservative treatment" works, shall we?

i already feel better, but this might be chemically induced since i have taken a pain-killer.

mmmm pain-killer i love you. much like mmmmm skyscraper i love you.

now everyone dance. or chill.

you know, whatever's your scene.

this weekend i will clean my apt. this morning i found the first bug i have ever seen in my apt, ever, including spiders.

so, now i have to clean everything for fear of an invasion.

because i am not at all hysterical.

all my dreams lately have been about unbelievable loss. the night before last i had a dream that my mother died, and then my father died within three days of loneliness and grief.

i was standing on the sidewalk infront of my childhood home and i was hugging my brother, we were weeping and i could feel the hot tears slide down my cheeks.

the next scene of the dream i was sitting next to a hospital bed where my brother was laying, on the way home from the funeral he was hit by a car and was minutes away from dying. i held his hand and kissed his cheek and curled up with him in bed.

in my dream, we died at the same time. him of internal injuries, me of grief.

when i woke up, my pillow was soaked through with tears and i was wrapped around myself in a ball. i had to get up and turn on a light and smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves.

i called my mom when i got into work and she assured me that she was ok.

and last night i talked to my father on the phone and it was so nice. for the first time in a long time, he sounded like good ol' normal chatty-can't-get-him-off-the-phone-for-love-or-money daddy. it was a nice nice conversation.

tonight i should be talking to my brother, so that will complete the freak-out-dream triumvirate.