and we had a nice, if not kind of sad, conversation.

and when we hung up, i broke down into tears.

big, fat, horrible, painful tears.

and it has nothing to do with being 30, i could really give a fuck.

and i'm not even going to be alone tomorrow, on my birthday, so that's good, right?

but i cried and cried and cried and i am still not sure why, which is highly unusual for me.

i tried calling jon, but there was no answer.

i tried calling niki, but there was no answer.

i pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes until i thought my eyes would squish and burst.

i pulled at my hair until i thought i would take it out in handfuls.

i laid on the dirty floor and sobbed, stuart sniffing me with semi-interest before he went to sit and look out the window.

i was hysterical.

and i don't know why.

it could be untouched sadness. it could be disappointment in myself. it could be the feeling that my chest is going to cave in from loneliness.

the worst part is not knowing what it was from.

and it only lasted a few minutes.

i tried telling my bean about it, but i started to get all worked up again, so i made myself stop, because i got scared.

i have a big sore on the inside of my bottom lip because i keep biting the same place when i get nervous, not even realizing i'm doing it.

i know that if i put my mind to something, i can do it. i have done so before.

i just, still, have no idea what i want to do.

maybe i'm afraid of committing, because then i could have wanted something and failed.

i would hate myself if that's what the problem is here.

i don't want to be that kind of coward.

i don't want to be a coward at all.

i haven't looked at myself in the mirror for so long because i am afraid that when i do i won't recognize my face.

that's not true.

i haven't looked at myself in the mirror for so long because when i do i know i'll see the face that i recognize all too well.