so that's why.

anyhow, this is another mix for niki, because she is, hands down, my favorite person to make mixes for.

and this is for a few reasons.

first of all, she's my girl.

second of all, she listens to them. i mean, she actually plays them. i get the uncomfortable feeling that i send mixes off to people and they may spin them once, and that's about it. but she really listens to them. i know so, because she tells me. and she likes what i send her. she even says so in her interests list. that's probably the best mix-related-compliment i have ever gotten.

better even than the letter michael wrote me when he received his first mix-tape from me. and that letter made me feel like the most beautiful person alive.

HER COMPLIMENT IS BETTER.

and third of all, i know that i could put like, fourteen jordan knight songs and three r kelly songs on a cd and she would spin it at least twice. because she trusts me.

that's why i sent jon home with a pack of ten cds for HER and have never sent a pack of ten cds to YOU.

anyhow, this mix is kind of all over the place. it's partially influenced by what i have been listening to lately, and partially influenced by what i was listening to when niki and i first met.

do you remember when we first met? i know you remember me giving you an application to work at the store, but i don't remember that. my first memory of you is the first morning you worked at the store. i remember being dreafully tired, and mildly pissed off that i was the person who had to train the new clerk AGAIN. because that was my post, apparently, training the new kids. but whatever, it wasn't that bad.

but my first ever memory of you was training you that saturday morning, and being so tired i wanted to pull my dead red eyes out. and this is my first memory of you:

i am laying my head on my right arm, which is laid across the counter. i am trying to not sound annoyed. i am trying to be nice. i am explaining the basics of working the register. you have on a very nice outfit, probably the nicest you wore to the store, because who the hell ever dressed up to work at the store? you were very pretty. you were nice.

i developed a small crush on you. this was exacerbated by the fact that lauren would make fun of me everytime you left singing the "jessica has a crush on niki" song. then you made out with andrew in front of us while we were on smoke break. we talked about that a lot when you went to the news stand next door for smokes and a drink.

and then there was the first time we ever hung out, when you came to pick me up from work at the end of my shift and you were wearing a skin tight ankle length black dress. i thought you were the coolest girl i had ever met.

the ballsiest too.

and i am glad i was right.

you are, by far, the coolest girl i have ever met. you are brave, and kind, and interesting, and talented. you are strong, and sincere and real. you are beautiful, humble and aware. and i am the luckiest person in the world to be able to count myself as your girl.

also, i have another favorite memory of you: that night, at 2 in the morning, when we made up after the Big Separation. when i got into your truck and i knew, the minute that i opened the door, that everything was going to be ok.

and that we made up within the 4 minutes it took to get from my house to 24 hr donuts. and that just the sound of your voice felt like home. and that i knew, from that minute on, when we promised each other that if there was something wrong that we would talk to the other person about it rather than shut the other person out of our lives, that we both meant it.

it was that moment, dood. that one moment. you were the first person i ever trusted like that.

and maybe i should be writing this in a letter to you. i don't know, maybe something private? but somehow, i want to shout it out to the world. i want everyone to know what a treasure you are, a force not to be fucked with, possibly one of the only Genuine People on this Earth.

that's something, isn't it?

i love you so much niki.

anyway, here's the mix i finished for you tonight. it may not be the most personal mix i ever made for you, but it's the one i have finished most recently:

"the passenger" the stooges

"standing there" the creatures

"europe man" glenn branca

"green light" sonic youth

"melody" blonde redhead

"moonage daydream" david bowie

"sad, sad song" m ward

"the hickey underworld" nation of ulysses

"rid of me" pj harvey

"dig me out" sleater-kinney

"skip steps 1 & 3" superchunk

"flax" versus

"re-enact the crime" unwound

"anna" silva mangano

"little hands" skip spence

"lost in the closet" new radiant storm king

"why do i lie?" luscious jackson

"the queen of detriot" +/-

"stand in the circle" peabody

"the prizefighters" seam

"those pearls" rachel's

so. some things i was listening to then. some things i am listenig to now.

but completely filled with feeling for you.

i'm going to burn this now, and soon, send it to you.

ps--i can send an extra copy if you think donald might like it. also, please either give me donald's address, or give him mine. i need a stranger to send letters to.