last night i ended up on the phone with my brother for a good 2+ hours, and for most of that time, i ranted like a lunatic. i wish i had recorded it, because even though it was some sad fucked up shit, i had jon in stitches.

i mean, i understand that i am lucky; i could be the 8 or 9 yr old girl who i saw in the store last night when i went to buy smokes and toilet paper, with her father filling her arms with 5/$5 frozen dinners, calling her shithead if a pot pie fell out of her little arms and hit the floor, his hair greasy, pants dirty, accent poor.

i could be her, with an asshole father with no education, growing up in a house where being called shithead is so commonplace that it happens IN PUBLIC where other people can hear how fucked up their lives are.

i could be her.

but i'm not. in comparison my shit does not seem all that bad.

but let me reiterate in case i haven't been clear this last week: my shit? IT'S FUCKED UP.

so that just means that her shit is fucked up and in triplicate.

and that's so shitty i don't even want to think about the nightmare of her hitting puberty.

dads like that should get their kneecaps blown out with an aluminum bat or at least a black eye each time they talk to their little kids that way. it just makes my eyes burn and my head hurt and i think i might have actually bared my teeth at him i was so angry.

actually, in a historic turn of events i have been pretty angry a lot of the time lately. i have been walking with my hands in fists and i wake up with my jaw hurting from clenching my teeth in my sleep.

and when i dream, instead of horrible dreams where i am being yelled at and accused of things that never happened, i am yelling back, i am breathing fucking fire instead of standing there with my head down, feeling ashamed and shitty for things that i didn't do.

i wake up with a little spring in my step when this happens.

i may not be able to do this in life yet, but for now dreaming is enough.

also, today i finally understood the new beck album.

good show, my good man. ol' green eyes loves ya.

i totally forgot what i was going to say, but it was pretty great. it had to have been.