i love getting my period.

yes, it's a pain. literally and figuratively.

yes, it causes my body to go haywire and insane, with huge boundless amounts of energy, and a shiny forehead and cramps that make it appear as if my uterus is trying to escape my body. my breasts become heavier and have a harder time than usual keeping in my bra. i smell different. i happen to like the smell, but you know, it's a matter of taste, i figure. i become 18x more emotional, which could be dangerous, even though by all accounts it may appear that i generally function at a pretty low level of emotional, something dull and sick and something i probably should be working harder on figuring out.

but the thing is, that's why i like my dot so much. on so many levels, things get shaken up, i actually FEEL things. i don't just see them and bemoan them and analyze them

i feel them.

like, this song i am listening to right now, severed lips by dinosaur jr. i have always liked this song, but i have never felt it like this before.

being alive is so bizarre and fun and scary and tragic and it smells good and you have all these things to try if you are lucky enough to be in a position like i think most of us are and then there are times it's like everything you are is smashed against walls and put through ringers and you know that your inside is dying and you're terrified of it and everything else.

but i fucking LOVE THAT.

and when i have my dot, whatever it is in me that usually bars me from really loving it with the tips of my fingers and toes and my mouth and with back arched and straight and legs running and really just feeling everything is disabled and i am able to feel everything.

maybe this is what it's like to take e? i don't know, i've never done it.

anyway, my body, i love my body. i love that it's so weird and i love the things that i hate about it and i love the way my toenails grow, especially the ones right next to the big toe which are longer than the big toe because two people have told me that means i am descended from royalty and i know that's an unbelievable bullshit story but i am sticking to it, and i love that my ears are not only perfectly shaped and sized but are neither sticking out from nor sticking to my head, but instead are set perfectly.

i love that my eyes are green.

and i love my pouty lower lip. and that the skin on my hands and arms is legendarily soft. i love the way my breasts feel so full right now when i cross my arms across my chest.

i love that at the end of the day, i smell like a person.

but i don't think about this ever when i am not bleeding. and sometimes when i am bleeding i feel terrible terrible things about my body.

but not today, not now. right now, i am loving it.

i know it's cool to be self-loathing and all that, and usually i am very cool, but not today, skipper.

today i am a ball of happy and that suits me just fine.

OH MY GOD 2ND BOSS IS TALKING TO THIS LADY WHO WORKS HERE AND SHE ANNOYS THE FUCK OUT OF ME.

seriously, this lady is such a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch. and like i do things to annoy her, because she bothers me so much. mainly, this involves not picking up my faxes after they've gone through for like, HOURS. sometimes, i let them sit there until the next day. since this lady has decided the fax machine is her domain, it's like pissing in her office.

I LOVE THIS.

anyway, i think that's it for now.

i am still wildly sexual, thanks to my dot, and i like it that way. i had the MOST INTENSE dreams about handjobs last night. it was like Everyone Gets a Handjob in my head last night. handjobs in cars, under tables in restaurants, at baseball games, in sports bars, given to ladies in sports bras, while in bed and often while i watch.

boys girls, you me, we all got handjobs.

IT WAS A GREAT DREAM.

i know some people thumb their nose at the handjob, but really, i think it's a real nice thing to do for someone, or yourself.

and man, did we.