i fucking wish that versus recorded "dead leaves" better. it's like, if i put flax or bright light or tin foil star or any of the other truly radical songs on that cd on any mix cd it'll be like mix-tape land all over again where you have to turn one song way up and then get your ears blasted out when the next one comes on.

not that that's necessarily bad, but i've gotten used to even volumed mixes.

this music makes me really happy. i am old enough now and removed from that time enough now that it's actually a "period of my life". that's weird. it was so good and so fucking bad on so many levels.

good things: seeing shows every week. mix-tapes from stretch. not having to pay rent and using all my money for music. being in school. not having a computer.

bad things: everything else, for the most part.

almost everything about the good of that time is music related. i am like that still.

but whatever, who isn't.

anyway. today was better than yesterday, if only for the fact that it wasn't yesterday. i think i need a vacation. or something. i don't know. my work is getting me down for reasons i don't really want to talk about, because it's fucking stupid.

and it's not like i don't like my work, i just know i am more suited to better work, more interesting work, better paying work.

i'd like to live as an adult more fully. i am getting old. i feel like my time is running out. i am worrying about time. it's weird. in the mid-90s days i almost never worried about time.

worrying about time is so weird and dumb. it's pointless.

i have been thinking a lot about a lot of things about me. i like myself for the most part. i hope i remember that from time to time. i have a laser-like focus on the things i don't like.

i feel like i'm losing my center.

when i was younger, i used to go stir crazy and be completely shitty if i didn't hang out with friends all the time. it wasn't that i didn't like time alone--i had that all the time, i've always stayed up all night alone. but i needed to see people and have fun regularly or else i'd turn nutty.

but ever since i moved to iowa, i have had to let go of that. or try. i'm feeling like i am people broken again. worrying that i am people broken. worrying that i won't find the good hang out feeling again. it's been so long since i've had that.

seeing my people for 3-4 day stints doesn't help that. being away from the people who love me the most hurts me. it damages me, i think. and yes, i do have a friend here, and i do like her, it's just not the same at all.

i NEVER worry with my people. i never get criticized by my people. i never feel nervous with my people. i always feel loved by my people.

and i think that's all because of time, the history i have with my people. but i'm unsure. maybe i haven't found my place here yet.

i hope that my people really do move up here. i can't imagine what that life would be like right now. i imagine there'd be a weird but exciting adjustment period, but overall, i'm not worried at all. there's just so much god damned love there.

so i'm crossing my fingers. i am saying my prayers. no i'm not, i've only done that once, and even though it "worked", that was purely coincidental. anyway, i am hoping. i am saying my hopes.

that's more accurate.

i am redeveloping my "going out in public" issues. it's scaring me.

but i hope, i hope.