jessica here, another day another 8.5 hours spent in a cube.

today, i am sucking on a jolly rancher lollipop. seriously, how long did it take them to put these fucking things into lollies? as i was remarking to a friend yesterday, WAY TOO FUCKING LONG.

but i don't think they make orange jolly rancher lollies, which goes to show that the makers of the jolly rancher lollies are assholes and the whole fucking world's against me. i hope all their dicks fall off.

also, i am thinking about calling the customer service line listed on the back of the jolly rancher lolli wrapper to bring up not only the crucial orange flavor issue, but also to bring to the hershey food corporation's attention to the astonishingly poor design of the jolly rancher lollipop.

first of all, rather than being round or oblong or big stick shaped or WhatNot, it's shaped like a, er, not a cube, but you know, it's 1.25"x1.25"x.25". so it's like a real thick square.

i totally just measured it too.

oh hey, guess who's awesome?

that's right, i'm awesome.

anyway, moving right along, a thick square is not the easiest thing to be sucking on, in terms of comfort. clearly, round/oblong/bigstick shapes are made for sucking, but something the size of a fat domino bone? no way, jose.

speaking of big sticks, that reminds me of the time i saw blonde redhead and unwound at the jabberjaw and i went up to the lead singer of blonde redhead (the hot italian with the hottest name ever, amadeo. that's one hot name, partner.) because i was all starry eyed and i was in love with every member of that band but specifically the pace brothers because they spoke italian and i was learning italian at the time.

so i went up to him and handed him a note i wrote in italian because i am shy and awkward and even more so in other languages and i couldn't muster up the courage to murder his native tongue simply because i loved them so. i handed him the note which probably said something like "hi, my name's jessica, i really like your band, you play beautiful music, i am learning italian, i feel like a moron" in the most elementary italian ever, all the while looking up at him with big doe eyes and mile long eyelashes, and general cuteness.

so he reads the note and he smiles in a "aww, she's a cute retard" kind of way and then tries to talk to me in italian and then, before i can answer gives me the queerest look ever.

suddenly, my fragile self, celebrating over the fact that i had gotten a genuine smile out of him due to my truly gay note, was thrown into a shit spiral of self-consciousness. was there a escapee from the nostril ranch? was my lipstick feathering? were my horns, the dead giveaway of my jewish heritage, showing?

then i realized i had what amounted to a huge orange and red and yellow popsicular penis in my mouth in the form of the ever tasty big stick (tee em). not only that, the sweltering heat of the little club made it more melty than usual, requiring to lick the sides and the drops that were dripping onto my hand and the popsiclivity off my lips and WhatNot.

blowjobs blowjobs! for reals! and literally too!

i do not think, friend, that i can adequately explain the special type of embarrassed/turned on/confused/holy shit, what the fuck look that crept over both our faces as i realized and then he realized that i realized and then i realized that he realized that i realized.

it was, in a single word, fellatastic.

wiping big stick blowjob from my chin, i straightened my back and slowly backed away, careful not to fellate the popsicle anymore, and instead concentrated on standing behind my friend stretch for the rest of the night as i rocked out, sans big stick.

i'm now on my second lollipop as i started this entry like 2 hrs ago, and then work and WhatNot got me sidetracked. i think my favorite thing about these cherry lollies is the naughty red tint it gives your lips and tongue. you are just so much more ready for sucking face after a lolli than before. you taste good, you look good, your tongue's all limber and ready for acrobatics.