and, i haven't fallen asleep yet, as i was sure i was going to when i got into my cube. the idea of laying my head down on the cool whatever-synthetic-material-makes-up-the-top-of-my-desk and sleeping for an hour or so was what i daydreamed of on the way into work. when i got here, however, there was actual work to be done. and although now i am hoping i get laid off, i don't want to get fired for any reason that might make getting unemployment difficult. so, as always, i work dilligently and with great attention to detail until i figure out something else to do, some other way to get money, at which point i do the base minimum. ah, to be an american worker.

this week has been so different than most:

going out everynight! prudence be damned! shows! sushi! looking for the freeway, where's the fucking freeway? CAN YOU PLEASE GO NEXT DOOR AND BUY SOME STRAWS?! glow in the dark maggots! plastic puppy poop!

kamikazes over and over while watching the dark san francisco sky remain changeless and cold. listening to the army of white belts have their talk, weaving myself through them, careful not to get burned by their designer cigarettes. amazed at the hairstyles, amazed further that amongst 150 people, there were only 4 of them.

watching, enviously, as children run down the sidewalk, arms open wide to catch all the wind, screaming and laughing, you can't catch me! you can't catch me!, hiding behind their parent's legs unashamed, convinced like small animals that if they stop moving, you can't see them.

asleep everynight between 230-300 am (am, as in ass, mine, kiss it). eating intermittently, too many drinks and too many cigarettes. rolling out of bed in the morning unsure that i have enough present to make the coffee that will pull everything into place.

thankful to find myself out and among friends again, feeling a part of me settling back into place. i get so unhinged when i isolate myself too much. i don't realize it until it's too late, and then i am walking through some sort of acid laced fog. it's not that i feel fixed or replenished from this week's sadness.

it's still there.

it's just that when i am with my friends, i don't care.

and we make plans, we trade bravenesses, we start to lace together our daydreams and ambitions, something that is so exciting and makes it so much more real.