though there was also great sadness in me because i am missing some of those i love, and i guess that never goes away.

but tonight my brother and i were given a canvas and gesso and paint and were told to make something, so i took half and then he took half. and i blocked off my section and layered and layered and layered, and then i started pulling the leaves off the ground, and then i started pulling apart magazines and i smashed my hands into the paint, and it was a great dance between myself and my brother and the slick reds, golds and shining paints all over my fingers and face and under my nails.

and when we were done they didn't really know what to do with it, but we said it was our gift for xmas and he was happy.

and now i want to buy big(ger) canvases and slop paint around all week. maybe i'll build an easel, i bet mandy and i can figure it out.

and i want to research how to make my own paint, because that shit's expensive.

and i wish i could figure out some way to scent it...i'm sure it's been done a thousand times before, but i want to figure it out too.

i was looking at my brother's walls in the basement and calculating just how much paint i would need to do something there.

i wish my girls were around, i think if we put our pretty little heads together, we could make something grand.

i love you, lu and niki. i hope your holiday was beautiful.