(readreadread...alt+tab...what? oh no, i was looking at my email inbox incase, you know, something important comes in. right now. shut up, i hate you.)

i am still listening to this and though i'm still feeling that slow smolder, i am also starting to feel the broken part of the song, the sadness sitting right below the writhing.

i need a change of scenery, maybe i can convince someone to go on a drive with me this weekend, or even some night this week. i just need the landscape flying by in impressionist blur, and the stars turning above me. i need to clear my head of all this junk and shit and mixed up cut up words. i need to find my voice in the midst of this frustrated confusion.

i miss her a ton. her work has swallowed her whole, i think. i cannot wait to see what beauty she has come up with.

i want to do a book with her, something bound, something that can be printed and found by people that don't know me at all.

i had forgotten about the twisting knife in my abdomen, i always do inbetween bleeding times. it's such a strange phenomenon. i'm thankful for it, though, and relieved that things have gone back to normal. i hope. i don't want anything to be wrong with my oven, i want the experience of carrying a child.

so though the pain right now is enough to make me lose concentration and clutch my abdomen, talking to my uterus, begging it to stop punishing me, that i promise to be pregnant sometime, just not this month, i am also very happy that i have started bleeding again.

but still, it is really weird.

yay! they're gone! hurray!