i find myself bored in my life, i create obsession, i create madness, i worry about things that do not exist, i turn myself inside out.

it's merely to see if i am alive.

that's not to say the obsession is not exciting, it certainly is. it makes me say things i wouldn't usually say, paint pictures too dirty for the walls of this room, drive others to the ends of their fingertips merely by the way i speak my mind.

it feels good to know that i can do that; i didn't know. i suspected, but i didn't know.

and the madness, well, jesus, it's fun. it makes me wildly creative, i write letters to strangers, i write letters to best friends. i make open mouthed pronouncements of sex and desire in a place that is open more than a newspaper. i fill pages with whatever falls from my head and put a stamp on it for another to tear apart and slice into a million pieces. it makes me want to do that for everyone, everything. if i could, i would smear all your windows with my paint-red handprints, trace your names like a pillow book of secrets, leave my lip-prints as my signature.

it is exciting to me to feel like this.

but what i need to remember in these times of paradoxical self-enforced solitude and reaching out with the over-extended hands is that if i would just quiet myself enough to take a look around and notice what i have already at my frantic fingertips, i am so incredibly lucky.

i get called a firebrand and it's a compliment. i get told i've possessed someone and the tone of confusion in their voice makes me smile more than it should. i have unbelievable talks with someone who is transforming right in front of me, like a polaroid coming into view. i am overbearing and strange, and for some reason, the people whom i love celebrate me. i feel the inside me making friends with the outside me and instead of the world falling apart like i always feared it would, instead, i feel stronger than i have in my whole time. i fear the strangest things.

this is, my friends, the life.

i am waking up.

i am waking up.

i have my eyes trained east, there is a destination. maybe more. but i have the one, she is beautiful in all ways.