i cannot quite put my finger on my mood today. it's somewhere between surly and cranky, and sort of annoyed too.

i was writing to a new friend and i told her,

"right now, i wish i were outside. but i can't think of where. you know when you are having a craving for a place? where everything in that place will fit all the angles and curves your body is made up of that day?

i want to say home, but that's not right. i mean, the (probably) balmy southern california air would be nice on my cold neck and ears (hair's pulled up today), but the too-bright sun and everything else about so cal would make my head split at the seams at the back of my neck and behind my ears.

and i would say at my house, but my cousin is staying with us and suddenly i am never alone anymore.

maybe, i could just go to my old school and hide in the old philosophy library. it's so quiet and warm in there. and there are pictures of dead philosophers that no one knows on that walls.

very comforting."

and it's true, very comforting. sort of.

i don't think even there would touch my corners correctly; i'm on edge, i feel raw, my mind is working at thousand mph clips, and i don't even really have anything interesting that i am turning over.

very uncomfortable.

but really, i can't remember the last time i felt comfortable, at all.

i think this is the source of my surly mood.

as much as this kills my rough and tough exterior, which is all about deviance and cowboys and sleazy mechanic coveralls parties,

right now, i think

if i could just say it out loud

..right now, i'd really like someone to be tender to me,

with me.

just for like, three minutes?

i don't know.

i can't even remember what that's like anymore.

not even a little bit. and it wasn't even that long ago. just long enough ago, i guess.

i feel really cold and alone, and it's making me surly, annoyed, cranky, and now, fucked-up-in-the-head.

this feeling, more than any other, makes me want to crawl up and disappear, layer by layer by layer, until i am shadow and transparency, like a photo-copy of me, done on plastic.

three minutes.

ah, what would that even feel like?