and, i would leave early, but there is word that i will have to bring something to one of our consultants in alameda, so i am sticking around to see.

thank god i wore my business shoes today even though it's casual friday!

man, i cannot tell you how much it makes my stomach hurt that i even have to think about such things. as if my gorgeous slippers wouldn't have been good enough (you and you can attest to how sexy they are, no?)!

i am still listening to hayden and trying to decide what i am going to do tonight. i cannot decide if i am going to buy a new pack of smokes, either.

i mean, i want them, but i don't want them. and it's got nothing to do with quitting, rather with how early i want to sleep in tomorrow...because i know if i have smokes, i will be sitting on my porch smoking til all hours of the night.

because i remembered this morning, prompted by this guy, that i have a copy of jimmy corrigan: the smartest kid on earth waiting for me. remember when i went on that weird cd/book buying binge about a month ago? i think i forgot to mention that i picked up ghost world and jimmy corrigan. i've plowed through ghost world, and i really wish i had stuck to my usually steadfast rule about seeing movies after reading their books. because, you know, it's just not the same the other way around.

if it didn't make such a stinky smell, i would be painting my nails a nice deep red right now. i am that done with the day's work and such.

i would like to just up and leave.

but second boss might call with that order to take my ass and whatever the fuck that consultant needs to the leetle island of alameda. which, as niki informs me, DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A NATURAL COASTLINE ON ONE OF ITS SIDES.

isn't that awesome?

people are so fucking awesome.

oh man, speaking of which, this morning i had to go to long's to take some pictures i had to take of my shitty new/used washing machine because my sister is going SUE THEIR ASSES IF WE DON'T GET SERVICE or some shit, and my brother was with me because i had to take him to school.

how you like that run-on, huh baby? i can run-on like that all night, if you want me to.

anyway, so the thing is, my brother is with me because i am giving him a ride. that means, i am being nice, i am doing him a favor.

but he is in a shitty cranky mood because he only got like 4 hours sleep and he had a full day of school and then waiting tables ahead of him

so he was REALLY REALLY FUCKING CRANKY.

and we had to wait until 8 to bring the film to longs because apparently no drug stores open before 8 am, which i think is really fucking weird.

we left the house mighty early because i didn't know about this "no drugstores before 8am" rule, and we drive all over our fine town looking for some place with a one hour/overnight photo place to drop the stupid film off.

finally we found longs and it's not like there's anything special about them, but by that point we only had about 20 minutes to wait, so my brother and i go to some place called the bagel hop or bagel stop or i eat bagels or some fucking thing and we get some breakfast.

and i'm sitting there, drinking my gross coffee and kinda digesting what i've eaten, and my brother reaches across the table and TAKES A SWIPE AT MY STRAWBERRY BAGEL KNOT.

so, i go, and gently because he's cranky, "uh, what are you doing?"

"um, are you done with that?"

"no, i'm taking the Two Minute Break(tm)*"

"FINE WHATEVER" [puts up hands in the "whoah dude back off" formation]

"uh, are you ok? do you want it?"

"i don't want the whole thing, i just wanted a little bit"

"do you want a little bit, then?"

"forget it"

"you can drop the attitude, you know"

"SO CAN YOU! CAN I HAVE YOUR KEYS, I WANT TO GO SLEEP IN THE CAR"

"um, here you go, cool guy"

[stompy stomp stompity stomp stomp to my car]

and then i just sat there and listened to 80s soft rock, thinking about what it will be like to not deal with cranky jon in the morning and whether i'll be relieved or miss it.

because i have been doing that with nearly everything lately. if i find something beautiful or fun, i wonder to myself "will i miss that in iowa? how bad will i miss it? is it worth staying?"

so far, nothing's worth staying.

that's not to say that i don't love my family or friends...because i do...and i will miss the mountains of green going into the sea...and the bridges and the trains and the refinery and the ocean the ocean the ocean...

but really, i wonder what i'll find in the middle. and that makes me excited to go.

just so you know, don't think i haven't noticed how shitty my writing's been lately. i am trying to work through a slump, here, people. and trust me, it's frustrating me more than you. i am just letting whatever's there fall out of my head however it's going to fall out..and i am not sure what i think of the results.