well we move tomorrow to our spacious luxury basement apartment.
i won't have internet access for four or five days.
i am working on a mix cd.
i really have nothing good to say, my head is caught in the middle of nowhere.
is it really so much to ask to have someone blow me right out of my water?
i want someone to pull the gauze away from my eyes and make me see.
i want someone to slap the sense back into my head.
i want someone who will make me feel real.
as it stands now, i spend most of my time as a memory in the figment of a dreamer's imagination.
and when i close my eyes i disappear.
it's gotten to the point where i don't even have fingerprints anymore.
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update (2003-01-29, 1:47am)
i had a long amazing conversation with jason tonight, and also i talked to niki for a nice long time.
they are beautiful, friends, they are the reasons why i am so lucky in this life.
and though i regularly feel lonely, and i often feel as if there is no way i'll meet people like me, who understand and challenge and excite me the way that jason, niki and jon do, i have to hope, at least, that i will.
i don't believe in destiny and i don't believe in fate. i don't believe "everything happens for a reason" and i don't believe in magic and i don't believe there is anything special about me at all.
but i have to allow myself the faith to hope for more sweetness in my life like the love that they give me.
and i have to, when i remember, say thank you again and again and again.
