first things first, and i am just saying this to get it off my chest, but it's a truism:

New Boss is a dick who needs to eat a bag of 80 dicks. for real. she, also, can bite many butts.

and the sound of her fake acrylic nails click-clacking along on her keyboard makes me want to vi-vomit my way along her lap, but that might just be because i am feeling a bit sick today. except i feel like that everyday, and also, her voice and fake whining demeanor make me want to staplegun my head to the pavement.

i'm sorry, did i say my head? because i meant her lips. but you know, potayto potahto.

i don't feel much better for having said that, but it still needed to be said.

yesterday found me laying in bed in a sea of sickishness. as i have been delighted to tell anyone who will listen, the main problem is that my insides are sore.

all of them.

in fact, if i could, i would somehow get an internal organ massage, as that sounds like it is exactly what i need.

i know, right? gross!

like, have you heard of those psychic surgeons in the philipines? like, they are, supposedly, able to hold their hands over your belly or something, and then rub them together, and find out what the problem is for your illness and then BLAMMO! they shove their paws into your belly and fish around, pulling out stones of illness and WhatNot, covered in grape jelly, like when carol-anne falls through the ceiling and into the bathtub in poltergeist.

then they throw the stones out and pull their psychic bloody hands out of your tummy and hold their hands over it again, and that seals you up.

i am not making this up.

i have read this happens.

do i even have to go through why this is implausible?

also, do i even have to explain why, though implausible, i am fairly sure it is the only thing that will heal this sore internal organ problem i am having?

i mean come on, people, we are talking grape jelly covered stones of psychic illness that are obviously floating around in my torso. who ELSE but a philipino psychic surgeon is going to be able to help me with that?

who?

the fucking shitty thing is, though, i don't think psychic surgery is covered under my hmo.

i think i should get denzel washington in on this.