but at the soup nazi, today they gave me a handful of TEN packs of crackers. TEN. that's just..well, that's a treasure trove of saltine, that's what that is.

but here's the humdinger, folks:

the soup from the soup nazi is so good, turns out, you won't want to use crackers! pretty much any soup you get from the cafe across the street is so mediocre that you will want handful upon handful of crunched up crackers to be able to get it down.

i know, right!? what a kick in the pants!

so now i have like, 14 cracker packets in the top drawer of my desk. i am thinking, on those days when i haven't the green to get a meal, i can just break into my fort knox of crackers to my right and be a-ok.

today was probably the best lunch i have ever had, and i am pretty sure that chicken dumpling soup is my new favorite soup.

also, i am wearing a new pair of shoes that i got on sale in the mission this weekend. today my back doesn't hurt nearly as badly as usual because my new shoes rock. also, it used to be when i walked the few blocks my left hip would start to get hinky by the time i returned; i used to chalk this up to old age.

but get this: today, i powerwalked (practically) the whole way there and back, and so i have to assume that it was my business shoes that were giving me the business, so to speak. i know! awesome!!

i should just go get a pair of rockports. those are comfort from here to there, and back. i can be like those ladies that wear sneakers on the train, but have a pair of business pumps in their desk for when they get to their desk. except i will rock the rockports on my commute and then wear them all through the day.

me and the ladies at the home will make puffy paint sweatshirts for each other too.

in other news, last night my best friend and i got in a really good, really confusing discussion about this site.

for those of you who probably haven't opened the site due to the alt-tag, let me explain exactly what that is, from what lauren told me and the pictures i looked at, since i didn't really read the site, because it's for total sickos.

which obviously is not me.

anyhoo, lauren introduced me to this site after having seen the hbo special on its product, the ultra-realistic sex doll called the Real Doll.

now, at first i was like "sweet, people doing it with dolls like total freaks. how funny/interesting/wow" and then, i saw the site.

perhaps it's the realness of the dolls (at least in the pictures), maybe it's the UNrealness of the dolls (look at the eyes!), but these things are

weird and WEIRD.

seriously!!!!

like, i was just emailing my good friend, snailandsky, about this and because this i am a lazy bastard, i am just going to paste it here. totally true:

"franny

you know, i used to sit around and say to myself,

"self, who in their right mind would be interested in trannies? i mean, certainly they are not immoral or offensive or anything like that; human sexuality is so weird and varied, there is little that i am uncomfortable with, and obviously transexuality is not one of those things.

however. self? i cannot imagine being attracted to someone with boobie and a dingle dangle OR someone who is a cross dresser, unless of course it's a girl who looks like a boy with a crew cut and stuff, because like, that's hot. i mean, did you see the "cursed female" video by porno for pyros? that girl who looks like a boy who poses and works as a gay(male) hustler and dates hot lesbians is HOTTTT! HHHOOOTTTTTTTTTT!!!

so, self, maybe you just don't like the boobies and dingle dangle combo, nor are you into men who dress as women/try to live as women.

sexually.

as people they are fine.

but who would be interested in them sexually? seriously?"

and to answer my self: self, -namewithheldbecauseit'snoneofyo'biznass- would, obviously.

can you imagine it!? wow!!

today is weird sex day! after i write you, i am going to write a diary entry about these weird ultra-lifelike sex dolls called "Real Dolls", and like this big huge conversation lu and i had about them last night.

and also, my favorite weird sexual fetish, though it's not my fetish: plush love, or, the act of bonking your stuffed animals.

isn't that awesome?

aren't people amazing?

i mean AMAZING!!!

plushies! they're called plushies!!! wowowowowwww!!!!!

stuffed animal sex. seriously.

actual quote from lu and my conversation last night:

"jessica, would you masturbate with monk monk?"

"no, but like, i don't think it'd be wrong if someone m-bated with their stuffed animal i guess. it's just a pillow"

this freaked lu out no end. NO END.

yet she's fascinated by the Real Dolls and wants one. she goes on about how amazing the hbo special was, and how they are supposed to be made of this spaceage latex that feels like real skin and how she really wants to touch one. and also, about how certain parts of the doll are like vacuum powered or something when you put things in them. "things". and how she thinks they are so totally lifelike. and how they are working on making them even more lifelike, with blinking eyes and having them work up to orgasm and all sorts of life-like things.

that is weird and WEIRD.

like, there is a male one called charlie and they show him in the normal sex positions (in a hottub!) and even one of him looking like he is yanking it.

but like, imagine you can psych yourself up enough to get into humping good ol' chuck--what if you were doing it and like, a fly crawled across his open, vacant, glassy, dead eye.

tell me you would not scream for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!

the. rest. of. your. life.

therestofyourliiiiiiiiiiiffeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh man, i am so creeped out, it's just not funny.

like, there's so much backlash over the real dolls, lauren says, because people are saying there are issues with necrophilia and just out of this world objectification of women, and whatnot.

and say, like, they make custom ones...could you have one done of your mother? or like, sister? or son?

EW AND EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

EW GOD GROSS!!

anyway, you see even some of the problems brought up by this? and lauren said that on the hbo special she saw about them, that there were couples and stuff! like this lady bought one for her boyfriend. and like, they showed them taking it into a hot tub with them (hot tubs are big with the sex doll set, i guess) and the dude, totally did it with the doll while the gf watched. and then, he took pictures of the gf pretending to kiss the doll, and touch its boobies.

the lady spent $5000 on the doll.

uh, hello homophobic freak, you could have gotten the same action with a REAL girl for the price of dinner and a couple of bottles of wine!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???

and then

AND THEN!!

there was this dood who was in a "long distance relationship" who got one for himself, but he doesn't want to "get it dirty or lessen the value", so he just bends it over and takes pictures.

let me repeat that, in case you thought i was lying, or otherwise didn't say what i just said:

he doesn't want to get the Real Doll "dirty" or "lessen the value" (!!!!!!!!), so he just BENDS IT OVER AND TAKES PICTURES OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

wowowowowwwwwww

this may be the best email i have ever written!

wow!!"

ok, yeah. so anyway, besides that, like, can you imagine just looking at it?

if you go to the site, they have the "girls" all set up in different positions, and like, you can look at the body and be like, "ok, ok, pretty damn realistic" and then get to the face and be like "oh my god!! dead hooker!" or "oh my god! mannequin before the flaming black guy leaves and she turns into that chick who's the slut on sex and the city now!"

either way, it's like, not sexy.

and the dude! there are pics of him sitting there with a tumbler of whiskey or cognac or some other brown liquor!

A TUMBLER!!!!!!!!!!!

and, for some reason, they have a close-up of his nipple.

lauren liked that part.

but anyway, like, freaky! and so strange! and it brings up so many issues that are just weird and confusing! and then we were talking about the plushies and for some reason i am not bothered by them at all, i think they are funny and weird and it totally figures, you know?

but lauren is totally freaked out by plushies. but not by Real Dolls. we are not wonder twins on this issue.

in fact, we are opposite days of each other.

Opposite Day!!

oh man, lauren said that on the show with the Real Dolls and the Plushmate People, there was a dude who was a plushie and he came out to his mom and his mom was like "you're a freeeeeeeaaaaaaaaakkkkkkk!!!!!!" and he like, cried and was upset because she wouldn't take him seriously.

but, like, hello? who tells their parents about their weirdo sex fetishes? i mean, it's not like he was marrying his plushmate (stuffed animal life companion to you and me), so like, why tell his mom?

in this situation, i say mr plushie deserved what he got.

oh crappity, i swear, this is just so strange. i mean, #1--the Real Dolls aren't people, obviously, so why be weirded out at all? #2--THE REAL DOLLS AREN'T PEOPLE AND PEOPLE LIKE TO DO IT TO THEM, #3--is it really akin to necrophilia, because it's not a living thing?, #4--the custom made Real Doll Issue is so creepy, it is like whoah, #5--Plushie Lovers are funny, and should not come out to their family/friends, unless they are marrying their stuffed animal life companion.

#6--i want to go to a wedding between a Plushie and his/her Stuffed Animal Lifetime Companion.

#7--but really, as weird as it is, these dolls bring up real issues.

#8--or do they?

#9--there is a Real Doll porno starring ron jeremy, called "Real Doll: The Movie"

wow.

just, wow.