suddenly, i started getting hot and cold flashes and my stomach was doing flipflops and just everything felt wrong.

and i shook the whole way home, i was feeling so gross, i almost pulled over to the side of the road to toss my cookies, but i maintained until i came home.

and then i fell into bed and slept hard hard hard hard and i heard things in my sleep. i thought i heard someone cooking eggs but i couldn't smell them. and i thought i heard people outside my window singing softly, but that was probably just a dream. and then i heard my cat scratching my brother's records, and i am pretty sure that happened.

but i woke up about 5 hours later and i felt like a truck hit me and i still feel like that and my arms are heavy feeling and i started talking about "relationships" with someone and now i have this sadness sliding quietly across my chest like a cloud across a desert.

and i found the most brilliant photography sites this afternoon after my death nap.

first, i found all manner of sites dealing with micro and light photography. i think this is my favorite one:

this isn't a painting by miro, it's a disease attacking someone's body.

there's also this one:

that's the HIV infection in lymph tissue.

it makes me think of this video i saw in college called "powers of 10". it was one of those annoying "make you think" things, but alan watts narrated it and i like him tons.

the other site i found was a site that featured found photographs. it was so beautiful, but also made me so sad. so many scenes in people's lives captured and then thrown away.

it made me think of this guy i used to talk to and was kind of interested in, but then he sent me a picture he found off of one of these "found photo" sites. it was of an ugly girl, a girl who probably got shit on because of the strange way her lips wrapped around her teeth and her deep set eyes and her weak profile. and he emailed it to me with the tag line "the funniest thing i have ever seen, ever".

and i don't know why, it made me not like him.

because that picture was some person's memory, a chronicle of who they had been or maybe of their best friend, or the girl that they thought of as the girl with the pretty voice, or who knows what.

and i know i am probably coming off as hyper-sensitive, and i really try not to be, but nostalgia like photos and lost letters make me get all sentimental and make me think in large sweeping humanity terms and that makes me even more sentimental

and why am i apologizing?

fuck that, and fuck you.

i hate that that guy was trying to get me to like him by making fun of a girl because she wasn't beautiful.

and i hate that all these photos are lost.

and it all makes me feel really lonely for some reason.

and i wish i had a bike with a big wheel like this:

song of the day? "i'll see you when we're both not so emotional" by american football.