sometimes, it's hard not to feel like a satellite that is orbiting other people's worlds.

sometimes, it's hard to believe that other people are even real.

but i like talking to them, and listening to their stories.

i listen more than i talk, i think.

i don't know if i've always been this way...maybe jon or niki can confirm or deny for me? i'll ask them the next time i talk to them i think.

because i don't remember being like this.

i mean, i never was an outgoing girl, but i just don't remember this...reticence to talk.

i am so used to hearing myself inside my head that sometimes i am surprised to hear my voice out in the world.

this is something i've learned since i left california, i think.

i just. i just don't want to ask the wrong question.

or, maybe.

i just don't want to press my finger into someone's fontanelle.

i have this deeply ingrained feeling that each person's soft spots are their own business.

and a deeply ingrained respect for each person's right to come into their own on their own time.

that, and the bare and perhaps cold indifference to most people's situations.

it just takes so much energy to really care for someone else.

i like to be sure that they are worth it before i even try.

the woman from my work? the one who took me out on my birthday? she's the polar opposite from me--she falls in love everyday i think. and not just romantically, but in all ways.

and i've been wondering over the last few days if maybe she's not living the better life.

but then i remember how half the time she is picking up the pieces after having her heart smashed against rocks and broken glass.

and i don't envy her.

and then i wonder if her falling in love and my falling in love are entirely different.

and then i get tired wondering about it, so i just lay it down for a few hours.

i don't even remember where i was going with this.