here's the thing.

i love naps.

i love them.

i love taking time out of the day and laying around in my bed and watching the ceiling fan and listening to the music of things going on outside and the music of the music that i have playing in my room and thinking things through and working real hard to piece together that big puzzle-like tapestry in my head that is called Things I Know/Things I Have Learned, i love pushing them around like tiles in a slide-puzzle game to see the unlikely places where things meet, to see where the connections are.

i love the feeling of having worn my socks all day and then pushing them off under naptime sheets and rubbing them together in that way i that do, because that is the softest in the world they ever feel, silky, new skin soft.

i love pushing everything out and just giving myself time to drift in my own space, sometimes indulging in totally ridiculous daydreams, most times trying to figure out just what the hell i am doing.

but the thing is, naps regularly fuck me in the ass.

for instance, last night i made this awesome pasta, and i was checking email and (thinking at least) i had the joint to myself, so i was in that "alone" place, and really digging it.

so i eat my pasta and i'm emailing and talking a bit with albie, and all of a sudden i start to feel really ass.

so i figure, lay down for a few minutes, take a rest, let yourself digest, it'll be ok.

i lay down...and an hour and a half later i wake up in the dark, half twisted up in my sheets, half hanging off my bed. and i look at the clock and i know i could just sleep the rest of the night, but fuck you if you think i am going to spend all day at work and then come home and be away from work for about 45 minutes before i go to sleep to wake up the next day to do it all over again.

fuck that shit, man.

so i drag my ass out of bed and my brother and his friend is there, i guess his plans to stay at (a different) friend's house fell through, and then my sister came home and what i had been told was going to be a nice quiet solitary night for me turns out not to be at all.

and i go down to the basement to shoot the shit for a bit, and then my sister yells down through the heating vent in the living room for me to come up stairs.

it turns out that she just wanted to talk about our days and WhatNot. aww guys! i really like it when there's this love thing explicitly (ew not like that sickos!) happening between us, because then my sister gets all tender with me. and my sister being tender really is one of the most awkwardly sweet things you will ever witness. when i am mindful to be compassionate towards my sister, it makes me feel so soft and real inside.

see, i'm altruistic and sympathetic and WhatNot! fuck you you fucking test!

actually, that test was really accurate. except for the part about intimidating other to get what i want. that's pure horseshit.

and there were a couple of other things that made me screw my face up into a question mark, but you know, on the whole, pretty damn me.

did you see that i got a 6 for orderliness? hoo boy that's rich.

it's amazing that i scored anything at all.

anywho, back to last night.

so abbey and i hung out for the few minutes before she left to go spend the night at her boyfriend's house and then i went downstairs to kick it with my brother and his friend and it was a good time.

a little weird because that friend kinda freaks me out. she just seems kinda young, but jon likes her ok and that's cool.

and even though i went upstairs a little after 11, i still didn't end up in bed until about 2am. you know why?

that's right, because i am a stupid motherfucker.

(sometimes, i wish i was sammy l jackson. because no one says "stupid motherfucker" better than he does. seriously, can you think of one person who does?)

and then, like, at 4am, my brother came upstairs because he wanted to talk about some shit that went down between him and his friend and i was like "ok" because i would never turn down my brother needing to talk, but at the same time i had been asleep for less than 2 hours and my alarm was going to start going off in less than an hour and a half, so i was a little bummed.

SEE I GUESS I'M NOT THAT ALTRUISTIC AFTERALL!

BLAST! YOU WIN AGAIN, TEST!

anyway, the point is, poor jon is a little confused right now, and i wish i could have been a better sister to him last night.

i offered to let him in my bed so we could snuggle and he didn't have to be alone with his confusedness, but i think he went back downstairs to think about things and smoke cigarettes.

poor jon.

so now i am here and i feel like i need to staple my eyelids open to keep awake.

oh, and the Co-Worker took me to lunch today to discuss bidniss things, and it was pretty ok.

we talked more easily than ever before.