in fact, the thing i am most bitter about is that the course was so hard i decided to take it pass/not pass (hahah, like that? not pass/fail, but pass/not pass. mmhmm [sammy l style, again, because it cracks me up]), so that it wouldn't interfere with my altogether average gpa. i mean, the whole way through school, pretty much, i was an a- student. why screw that up with a b- or worse, WORSE, with a CCCCCCC.

dun dun dun.

dude, i was wicked crazy in school, what with the skating by by the skin of my teeth with the a-s.

and i have a wicked crazy complex about it, since my undergraduate advisor told me that i shouldn't set my hopes too high for grad school with only a few a's and "all these a-s". uh, thanks for the...encouragement?

that was the shit-tay part of going to berkeley. the philosophy prog there, at least in my experience, is so about the grad students, many of the teachers don't have much time for you until you get into graduate work. and i don't remember talking to one grad student who was happy that they chose to be a philosophy graduate. they were all cranky and befuddled and were grumbly about the job market, and telling us not to bother to try for grad school unless we really loved it because there was no reward other than doing it for the sheer love of it and we would never find jobs after grad school etc etc etc.

i mean, they were all perfectly nice, don't get me wrong.

but it was just how it was.

and though it wasn't my complaint, many of the girls in the program said it was a big sweaty men's club.

except instead of being big sweaty mens, they were all kinda weasel-y philosophy guys.

except for BB, but BB was a visiting professor from oxford, and therefore altogether dreamy.

just a side bar here. please, if you love me, never let me look at this again. this is about the most discouraging thing in the entire universe. to me at least.

i can feel my hair turning grey.

i am going to try really really hard not to give up before i even begin.

really hard.

besides that, i cannot BELIEVE how slow it's been at work. at least my bosses are out at a lunch right now. i swear all morning i did not get one email. NOT ONE.

what the fuck is happening here?

ah, but i have been daydreaming about being back in school. to not be in a cubicle. of procrastinating and giving myself stomach aches because i haven't even thought about writing my paper yet.

of going to school in my jammies.

of making moony eyes at the hot TAs (of which there were 2, 3 tops).

oh man, it'd be such sweet ass to be able to be a teacher's assistant for some introductory class. i could do that on the real.

and i am trying to be real posi...i am trying to not think about the fact that i have read more than a few diaries where the people were studying philosophy and seemed so much more capable than i am. i don't have a lot of confidence sometimes about my ability. cal wasn't any good for that, judging where i was at. i was too shy to really talk in class and the only person i really did talk to, he and i were on about the same level and talked more about the people in our classes, or the teachers, or whatever, than the coursework itself.

my only saving grace, though, is that while i may not have really made all the jargon my own, i may not have it as part of my skin, i am able to understand the concepts behind the jargon. it's always been far more important to me to be able to explain to my non-philosophy-studying friends what it was i was studying in language that they understood than to be real deft at manipulating jargon.

i convinced myself that it made me a better philosophy student because i understood the concept...but i probably should have worked harder at mastering the words.

ah my neck is getting tense...i am biting my lips...i need to calm down. i need to remind myself that this time yesterday, i hadn't been thinking about philosophy at all and that i really had no plans to go back to grad school even though that would disappoint my father to his very core because he thinks i have a gift for teaching and anyway just thinking about looking into considering going to grad school at some point when i go out to iowa does not mean that i need to get myself all twisted up.

ok...deep breath...deep...breath.

god damn it, why did i get this all into my head???

sdflkgjsdlfkjg;ldak

i am frustrated and i want to just apply right now and get it over with and see if i am good enough, you know?

crap, i wonder what's up with my letters of rec..i wonder how i get my gre score sent to the school?

i should probably email someone and see what they require, anyway. they didn't say what kind of gre score or writing sample or anything they required on the home page.

hello nervous ticks, i nearly forgot about you.

AND i buttoned my french cuffs wrong.

AND i want to go to sleep, but i can't.