and what's interesting to me about that is, i have been one of the most people broken, shy, fucked up turned around people i have ever met. if you have read my journ for any length of time, or my diaryland diary before that, then you know that there are long periods of time in my recent past that i was unable to look people in the eye while i talked to them, let alone want to search out new people and experiences.

but something in the last year has been slowly cooking in me and i can feel it starting to come to fruition. the more comfortable i become with myself, the more i want to be around and get to know other people.

i have started all these plans in my head, things i want to do and become involved in.

it's so funny to me that things have become so unbelievably logical to me, so clear.

things that i wanted but was completely mystified by before have become completely transparent.

basically, if i want something, i just have to make it happen.

and don't laugh, i know that's so unbelievably obvious.

i think more than not understand that it was so obvious, i didn't think i could accomplish it.

it. them. whatever.

but i most certainly can.

i mean, why the fuck not?

i'm going to go to sleep.

and then i am going to wake up early. have a cup of coffee. go to the salon and pick up some make-ups.

and then i am going to go get thai food for lunch. maybe ask someone for a date. maybe be shot down bang bang. i'd say i have a 50/50 shot at it, and that's fine by me. i mean, no one's going to die, and like my friend told me today, i'm not really the kind of person to be embarrassed (anymore).

so, why the fuck not?

and after that? i don't know. but whatever it is, i'm going to have some god damned fun.

maybe i'll go buy a gaming console.

or some more bowls.

i need some nice mugs. and a tea-kettle.

and votivo candles.

and paints!