i think only people who grew up in southern california know what i am talking about. how the morning smells before you pile into the stationwagon , bathing-suit-shorts-and-towel, hating to put your shoes on, driving down the coast to the beach to be there by 9 am, ready to play all day. i know you know exactly what i am talking about. the smell of sandwiches and cut fruit, still wiping sleep from your eyes, comparing tan lines with your sister to see who was the most burnt from yesterday, who was going to need the colder shower that night. sand on the floor of the stationwagon, and still in your shoes and pinches on your little brother's arm, the babysitter singing along to prince songs, as if none of you even exist.

pretending the seaweed around your ankles is alive, just to freak yourself out, diving down under the waves so you don't get tossed about so badly. watching the shore bob up and down, pretending not to hear when you are called in for lunch. the 20 minutes after the meal the longer than any 20 minutes previously spent on earth, waiting to get back into the water, wanting to climb over waves and further back into the sea.

wondering how long it would take to swim to the other side of the ocean, wondering if you would be famous for doing it.

it's not even march yet, and the 7am morning air is warm and reminds me of home. it's making me miss how soft sea-swimming makes my skin and hair, how my lips were always smooth and slightly sunburned, the way my skin turned dark dark dark brown under the california sun.

still only february.

i'm going to miss the coast when i move. i know there are lakes out there, and if i pretend i might even convince myself that they are as good.

but i don't think i'll really believe it.

seven, seven
seven days since I've been home
seven, seven
seven days since I've been home

sorry, sorry
I haven't been myself in weeks
sorry, sorry
I haven't been myself in weeks
do you still love me
do you still want me

kiss me, kiss me
you won't have to think no more
kiss me, kiss me
you will not have to think anymore
everything will be okay
everything will be okay
tell me I am only and I probably will believe you
tell me I am only
tell me you are lonely and I'll want to be with you
tell me you are lonely