though i can't really be sure of that because i'm kinda still asleep. i fell asleep in the cab (it was like a 5 minute ride, so you tell me how i ended up in the right place) and i fell asleep in the mechanic's waiting room. i did not fall asleep on my way to work, thankfully, and oddly enough, though it's strangely quiet today, i have not fallen asleep in my cube yet either.

everytime i fall asleep i get new ideas about what i want to paint, things that i can see but i don't really know how to produce. it's really frustrating, i want to walk out of here right now and buy a few canvases and lock myself in the basement with a big bucket of water so i don't have to leave to clean my glass and like 2 packs of cigarettes and not come out for a couple days.

it's strange because part of me feels like i don't deserve that because i haven't had the training and i'm not an artist and i don't even really know how to paint, but it's what i want to do.

and then part of me thinks that's retarded reasoning.

and then part of me really wants a neck rub.

and then part of me wishes i had followed through with my plan of driving into the desert for awhile. just find some dusty place, and sell my car (who got two brand new tires this morning. hello last two dollars in my bank account, thanks for sticking around so that i don't go into the red. i hope.), buy that big ugly truck like i keep threatening and say goodbye to things for awhile.

and then part of me really really wants to stick it out until may so that i can go to ioooowaaaaa.

and then part of me really needs a nap.

as you can see, there are many parts of me; i'm what the kids call -multifaceted-.

also, last night, i had really bad dreams the whole time. i kept waking up every 2 hours or so with a new fucked up image plastered against the back of my eyes.