the good thing about having a diary is that you can document your emotional cycles, and easily pinpoint what you really hate in your life.

because lord knows you don't want to bore anyone.

so!

in an effort to try and end my broken record-ness and attend to some of the things that are making me miserable, i have been going through some depressing reflection and making a list of things to change.

at the top of this list is my job.

i have had it in my head that i need a job that pays as least as much as what i am making now or else i won't be able to afford my life up here in the bay area.

well, it's simply not true. the thing is, i am terrible with my finances. i don't budget my money (in anything that would resemble a smart way, anyway), and i rarely keep track of my spending habits. it's no wonder, then, that i feel as if i am living paycheck to paycheck.

i don't have to, though. i could be saving, if i was really frugal and i rarely went out or spent money on anything other than bills and rent, like when i was a student. i became dizzy with all the money my slightly above student living paycheck allows me and have become what some people in the old country call a "spendthrift". i go out to eat far too often because i am lazy and i spend money on things i don't need regularly. i can stop doing this with a bit of discipline. it wasn't that hard to do when i was in school, i should be able to keep things on the dl now.

i am of course looking for work that will pay me well. but it's really good to know that i could make much less than i am making now and still cover rent and expenses.

and seeing as though it is unlikely that i will find my dream job, simply because i little idea what my dream job is, or how to get people to pay me to listen to music, sleep, play around reading diaries online, and write whatever the hell i feel like, i have decided i would like a job with minimal responsibility. something like customer service of one form or another. because let me tell you: if you do not give a crap about your job, it really sucks to hold any form of responsibility there.

there are few words that fall sweeter from a customer service representative's lips than "one moment, let me transfer you to my supervisor." because a person in the chair in a cube in a call-center could give a crap about you, their job or the problem at hand. you don't like what i have to tell you, what i am paid to tell you? fine, let me transfer you to my supervisor who will either reiterate what i have to say and thus make you even more angry and threaten a law suit, or will give you whatever you want, making me look like a difficult prick.

either way, i could not care less. you know why? when i go home i get to leave my job in the cube, and i will forget about you and your problem. i know i did what i was paid to do, and therefore, even if you do sue, i am a good little workerbee.

you, on the other hand, are probably still mad about it and will be for days.

i know this sounds like a nightmare, this call center/customer service life, but it's not bad. and being able to leave work at work is something i really enjoy about my underachieving jobs. it affords me the mental space to work on other things and be calm sometimes.

my job now has too long of a commute and there is too much politics for it not to creep into my thoughts on the way home or even when i am in my room trying to de-compress from the day. especially since the lay offs, things have been so tense everywhere here. i fucking hate it because i have no interest in having a career in sales, i don't want to think about it at all when i am not here. the absolute worst is that i dream about it sometimes. i always wake up from those dreams feeling so angry and dirty, and not dirty in a good way.

i try to block it out, but i am having trouble, so it's time to go.

last year this time i had a call center job 10 minutes from where i lived. they were way more strict than they are here and the pay was more than $3 less/hour. but i was so much happier with my work. i mean, i wasn't especially happy with it, but i had enough mental space and personal time to do pretty much whatever i wanted outside of work, including hang out tons with her and even exercise. and i had peers, people to bullshit with and hang out with and have some form of human/humane contact with. these days it's me and 4 bosses, i am totally lonely here in my cube. i get home and i'm exhausted. i can't really go out on week nights because i have to get up so early to make it to work even close to on time (which i don't and got "talked to" about today. whoops). weekends i try to go out, but a lot of time is spent sleeping, trying to relax and recharge from my ass-y week. i always want to exercise, but i am usually too tired, or fucked up to do so.

so.

so?

so, i work on my resume this week and email it out to prospective employers, including gross nasty employment agencies to see if i can something more to my liking until i leave in may.

i just have to survive until then and everything will be a-ok.

and there is no reason for me to stay in this job which gives me such a headache, and i am starting to hate myself for complaining so much without doing much to rectify the situation.

i know that to a lot of people the job i have now would be fantastic, and i hope that one of them fills my position when i leave. but for me, it just wasn't a good fit.