oh my god, i don't think i have read anything so funny in days.

so, nobody wished me a happy purim yesterday, so thanks for nothing, fuckos. purim is a totally awesome holiday, kids get to dress up, everyone sits around and listens to the book of esther get read, everytime the narrator mentions the name of the bad guy, haman, everyone gets to make a bunch of noise with noise makers like it's a jewish mardi gras and in the end, a girl saves the day for all the jews.

oh oh! and you get to eat little cookies called hamantaschen, which are supposed to be shaped like the bad guy's three cornered hat! they are usually filled with stuff like cherries or apricots or berries, but if you are an adult and you are gross, then you eat the poppyseed filled kind. AND THEN YOU TEST POSITIVE FOR HORSE!!!!

but yeah, so, when i was growing up, our temple always had a carnival for purim. i wonder if they had one this sunday, or if it is the one coming up. i bet it's even bigger now, since our congregation's gotten huge compared to when my family first joined.

man, i remember being like...i don't know, 6? and being in hebrew school class. the teacher told the story of abraham and isaac and how god commanded abraham to kill isaac and i thought to myself "hold up now...that's some bulllllllshit. what kind of god asks you to kill your son? and what the hell kind of father says "ok, man, let me get a knife"??" i was just completely confounded. i couldn't get it. it was like, the most horrible thing i had ever heard. in fact, i think it was the first time it ever occurred to me that a parent could do something really horrible to their kid, like kill them. more than that, god told them to do it! god was supposed to be like the ultimate nicest parent that ever was, and ever could be. what kind of parent asks you to kill someone you love?

so, after bugging the teacher incessantly for about 20 minutes, my exasperated teacher tried to as calmly as possible get me out of her hair:

"jessica, why don't you go ask the rabbi your questions?" and being the precocious little nerd that i was, that's exactly what i did.

the rabbi was really cool, he was only there a couple years before the new, and current, rabbi showed up. all love for the current reb aside, the first rabbi, who i can't even remember the name of, will be in my heart fu-ever. mainly because he took the time, an hour or so actually, to sit with a 6 yr old girl who had serious misgivings about god, the bible, parents, human sacrifice and whether or not there is any situation in which god could be wrong.

turns out, the story was supposed to show that abraham was completely faithful of god (in god?), that god was just testing him to see if he was completely faithful, and that god would never actually ask a father to kill his son, he was just kidding, so to speak.

yeah, it didn't sit well with me either. thinking back on it now, i believe the biggest roadblock i had to understanding the whole thing was "why would god ask you to do something that was obviously wrong?" indicating my early and it seems almost innate conviction that if there are such things as right and wrong actions, the rightness and wrongness of the actions must be based on something other than "god said so".

poor rabbi, i am sure he was at once amused and concerned at how seriously i took the whole thing. i mean, i was angry that god asked abraham to do that, i was angry that abraham didn't look at god and say, "yeah right!" and i was almost even more angry when god said "psych! don't kill him! i just wanted to see if you would!! love ya! call me! see you when i see you!" because what the fuck? poor isaac! how fucked up is that? "dad, why are you holding that big fucking knife to my throat?" "it's because i love the lord, son. say hi to him for me when you see him, k, thanks, bye."

that, as my brother would say, is some fucked up chittlins.

how in the crap did i even start talking about this?

oh yeah, purim. thanks for nothing, jerks.

last night i slept for a whole 12 hours. i know, right! i couldn't help it, though. i laid down for a masturbation sesh and before i could even really start i passed out. i am so disappointed with myself, doods.

but, i am pretty awake today, so that's cool.

i had some other stuff to talk about, but this is getting (hahahahaha, "getting") uncomfortably long. so, i'll save my thoughts on the serious affect of listening to prince during my early formative years has had on my sexuality for another time.